Since Lindsay Lohan wants to continue her streak of fucking things up, she has decided to not hire the dazzling legal showman that is Stuart V. Goldberg (aka the sole reason why rhinestones sparkle). Over the weekend, Mr. Goldberg flew into my life on a tanned Pegasus when it was reported that he was LiLo’s newest attorney. Well, TMZ farted on my dream bubble that holds an image of Mr. Goldberg waltzing with White Oprah in the court room by reporting that he is not LiLo’s main legal bitch after all. LiLo is going to give Robert Shapiro the job instead.
Sources close to Mr. Goldberg (*cough*Oompa Loompas*cough*) claim that LiLo simply couldn’t afford his services and he refused to work for free. Mr. Goldberg was probably highly offended when LiLo offered to pay him with boxes of that Sevin Nyne shit! How dare that dumb bitch LiLo assume that Mr. Goldberg covers his precious skin with fake tan diarrhea! That can’t be further from the truth. It’s obvious that Mr. Goldberg achieves that George Hamilton glow by directly smiling at a mirror. The sunshiney rays from his teeth ricochet off the mirror and softly caress his skin.
However, sources close to LiLo say that she didn’t go with Mr. Goldberg, because she thinks he’s just a little too “eccentric.” Yes, TOO ECCENTRIC! Can you believe that shit? Actually, I can believe it, because LiLo is a piece of garbage that not even Trash Heap would hump on. The same goes for White Oprah. Those two gutter hags wouldn’t know elegance and class if it was wrapped in slimy
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Shawn Chapman Holley ran out of different kinds of “bitch please” faces to make behind Lindsay Lohan’s back, so she slipped a letter of resignation letter (which looked like this) under her door and never looked back. So LiLo traveled to the enchanted world of mythical wonderments to ask a Liberace centaur to fart a bubble out. When that bubble danced through the air, LiLo popped it and out dropped this gorgeous embodiment of all things magical! This is Stuart V. Goldberg (more like Stuart Very Orangeberg) and TMZ says he’s LiLo’s newest attorney!
Mr. Goldberg practices law in Chicago, but he jumped on the nearest rainbow and slid all the way to California to meet with LiLo. Apparently, Mr. Goldberg is going to represent LiLo in her appeal against Judge Marsha’s sentence. LiLo now has a good chance (sarcasm) with Mr. Goldberg. dazzling the court for her. I mean…..
How can the court not be completely entranced by a man who looks like he should be singing showtunes on a lucite piano for dozens of Oompa Loompas in a lounge below the Willy Wonka factory? How can the court not want to run their fingers through Mr. Goldberg’s luscious field of dried unicorn tears?
If Mr. Goldberg’s fancy powder blue suit hasn’t convinced you of his powers yet, then please do yourself a favor and skip into his website. Mr. Goldberg’s website is where the Land of OZ goes for inspiration.
Here’s a few more pictures of my newest dream lover along with pictures of LiLo and White Oprah caffeinating their delusions at Starbucks yesterday.
