The official speaker of the House of Death Eaters was guest editor for the day at Metro’s Paris office and that means you better curl around his pristine white shoes, because he’s dropping words of 14 karat kunt wisdom about everything from Adele’s voluptuousness to how Lana Del Rey is basically a beautiful singing breast implant. As Metro’s interns went out into the wild to catch teenage models for Kunty Karl to kill the dreams of for lunch (it fills him more than eating every will), the former fatty turned HVIC (head vampire in charge) had some shit to say about all sorts of topics:
On the sedated animatronic mannequin Lana Del Rey and how Adele needs to chase the pavement until it leads her to a Jenny Craig: “I prefer Adele and Florence Welch. But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice. Lana del Rey is not bad at all. She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”
On how the men in Russia offend his zombie eyes: “If I was a woman in Russia
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Roland Bunce, the Hot Slut of the Day who looks like he should have five giant fingers next to his head, has unsurprisingly won Next’s “Make Me A Model” contest by a serious landslide!!!! Thanks to the Internet banding together, Roland B took first place with 66,000 votes and left all of the runners-up in a cloud of his ass dust. But sadly, the people’s supermodel does not want a life of getting hit on by Leonardo DiCatchAHo and doing lines of the bad shit (Roland would cut his with Bisquick) with Naomi Campbell in the mirrored coke room on Cavalli’s yacht. Roland was supposed to battle it out against 249 other model wannabes in the finals later this month, but he has rolled out of the competition due to haters trying to bully his beauty down. According to Metro, Roland wrote this on his Facebook page:
“Just to let you all know I am quitting the Next Model contest.
It was a big honour to win and it’s been fun but the amount of abuse I’ve been getting since Thursday is out of control and I’ve now just been threatened.
Thanks to everyone who has supported me but I am now bowing out before this gets any worse.”
Why in red hell fuck don’t the haters chase away
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Full Story »It isn’t what Belinda Heggen of Ten News in Adelaide says, because she gives Mark Aiston a slight crotch kick followed by a compliment. I mean, she’s basically saying that even though he could use a Barbie shower cap as a condom, he knows how to use it. But it’s the way she says it. Like her mouth is pulling out the words from deep inside her scorned vagina. And then she follows it up Naomi Campbell-style by throwing a thankyouverymuch. Yup, Belinda Heggen is definitely one of my new ice cold idols.
Not content with teardrop tattoos, Naomi Campbell decided on a different way to keep track of her victims. – ZombiePanda
Runners-up:
The metamorphosis is complete. Katy Perry and Russell Brand are now one. – tbeez
Never make the mistake of asking this chick for a little head. – Ikcor
Detective LaToya has taken to using alternative marketing to promote all of the “lost souls” she has helped toward the light. – Wyldstallyn911
(Thanks Nichole)
If you’re a member of Naomi Campbell’s staff, it’s only a matter of time before pictures like this fall into your file. Well, not totally like this. Naomi doesn’t make her assistants get naked before she pounces on them. That would be disgusting and wrong! Naomi has decorum! She keeps her pinky up when she attacks.
Long after one of her old assistants has run off to the underground town where all of her past victims go to hide, Naomi the Terrible will whip out their file and reminiscence about their times together before stuffing that shit into the paper shredder and making her maid throw it into the incinerator down in her dungeon. Naomi will say to one in particular while going through the file, “Oh, I remember when Concepcion helped me make a switch out of old zippers and barbed wire to terrorize the gardener. Those were the days…“
Anyways, here’s Naomi in all of her cuntlicious glory posing as some sort of angel of death breathing in the blood of a fallen Russian mobster for Interview Magazine. This is how Eastern Promises was supposed to end.
Somebody needs to take Naomi Campbell’s temperature and make sure the thermometer reaches to its boiling point and explodes as usual, because she’s been acting all sorts of NOT RIGHT lately.
First, Naomi called Teresa Giudice “a role model,” and look at what she was doing at the Dolce & Gabbana store in NYC on Friday night! Naomi used her energy to pop her pussy instead of popping a bitch in the face. Naomi flipped her own wig instead of dragging one of her assistants by the hair down the hallway. Naomi stuck her ass out instead of sticking her nails into a bird’s beak for singing too loud.
This is how it all ends…with Naomi actually having a drop of fun while dancing. When I look at these pictures, I don’t hear music, I hear the creaky sound of the Four Horsemen’s stable door slowly opening…..
Above is a picture of Cert, a honey badger from the Prague zoo who has a worried look on her face (just play pretend with me) because her precious partner named KACA has escaped and is on the loose in the city! A caretaker at the zoo said that the honey badger is the most fearless animal in the world (next to Naomi Campbell’s assistant, of course) and is always hard up for honey so he’s afraid of what she might do. They have received several tips about KACA’s whereabouts in the city, but they haven’t had any luck so far. KACA the fearless honeyholic badger is still out there sniffing for a fix!.
There’s really not much I need to say to convince all of you that KACA deserves a million Hot Slut accolades. I mean, a fugitive honey badger named KACA? I rest my case.
via Stuff.co.nz.
Naomi Campbell could rip the hide off of the last living snow leopard and wear it to a Peta event, and I’d simply shrug while saying, “That’s her way!” Naomi Campbell could bite into the froat of a blind homeless man thinking he looked at her the wrong way, and I still wouldn’t even bother throwing half a side-eye at her. But this this THIS right here is some deplorable shit! This is a valid reason for the state to stamp Naomi’s forehead with a giant red 5150! Somebody needs to put on a Hannibal Lecter mask (so she can’t Cape Fear you in the cheek) and gently hug her with a Versace straitjacket. Naomi has finally gone too far.
During last night’s Watch What Happens: Live, Naomi, who is supposedly a Real Housewives fan, called in to ask Teresa Giudice a question. The question was not: “Can you meet me at the nearest corner so I can introduce your face to my new spiked Blackberry?” And it also wasn’t: “Can you donate some of your overgrown hairline to my tragic hairline situation?” No, Naomi said this to Teresa:
“How do you do it? You have four kids, you take care of your family, you cook and clean. I mean, you have no help at all. How do you do it?! You’re a role model. It’s like, you dress all your kids. They’re always….it’s amazing.
(Andy to Naomi: “You think she’s a role model?“) Yeah, she’s a role model, a mother…. She’s a business woman, she’s cooking, she’s cleaning, she’s a wife…. You know, yeah. The real deal.”
Of course, Naomi also
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Mia Farrow has probably licked on Woody Allen’s crotch worm with all the lights on, so obviously she’s been through some scary shit in her life. But nothing can prepare her for the wrath Naomi Campbell is going to bring upon her when she finds out about this! Rosemary’s baby ain’t got shit on Naomi!
Last week, Naomi the Terrible answered questions at the war crimes trial of former Liberian leader Charles Taylor about the night two men gave her a bunch of blood diamonds at Nelson Mandela’s house. Naomi testified that at first she didn’t know the “dirty looking stones” came from Charles Taylor. Naomi said she didn’t learn this bit of info until she had breakfast with Mia Farrow and other guests the next morning. But BITCH BAM BOOM, Mia Farrow testified at The Hague today that Naomi is the one who told her the diamonds came from Charles Taylor.
Mia better crawl into a bath tub full of holy water, because when you call out Naomi Campbell, you call out THE DEVIL! From ABC News:
Farrow testified that Campbell knew exactly who sent her diamonds after the dinner.
Farrow told the court what happened at breakfast the next morning: “[Campbell] was quite excited and she said last night I was awakened by someone knocking at the door. They were men sent from Charles Taylor and they gave me a huge diamond!”
Campbell testified Aug. 5th that at breakfast, Farrow told her the gift must have been from Taylor because no one else at the dinner could have given her uncut diamonds.
“Did you tell Naomi Campbell that the
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