“Yeah, dude, the whole place started to freeze over and I had no idea what was going on so I got the, well, you know, out of there. Then I heard Charlie Sheen got a new TV show and it all made sense. Luckily, this won’t happen again unless Lindsay wins her Oscar . . .” – maejones
Runners-up:
Rachel Uchitel was very disappointed when her kids grew up with her real features, not the ones she bought. – parissucksliterally
Amy Winehouse’s private demons (who we’ve heard so much about) are rested and ready to move on after having had the summer off. – TexnDoc
Raging Stallion’s Halloween porn trilogy: PARANORMAL COCKTIVITY 3, TWI-HARD SAGA: BREAKING DON, and HELLRIMMER – Strepsi
Last week I asked you which Emmy nominee deserved a bigger movie career, and I decided that you answered Julie Bowen, because I want to like you. (P.S. Congrats to the madly talented Ms. Bowen on her win!) Now I’m asking a related, but opposite question: Which movie actress’s new TV show has the best shot of survival? We rank the five most promising nominees after the jump. Please tell me where I go wrong.
1. Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Can’t deny ratings: Zooey Deschanel’s new show about a quirky girl who moves in with three nondescript dudes launched big even after debuting its first episode as a free iTunes download. Nothing about the pilot is particularly novel: Zooey is likable, the guys are likable, and the show works – but it’s more a trifle than a triumph. Oh, and also? A beautiful girl with pristine hair, perfect vintage outfits, and a feigned coquettishness is better described as “cloying” than “adorkable,” Fox.
2. Kat Dennings, 2 Broke Girls
Make no mistake, I love that female-led comedies are working in primetime. Dennings is just right as one half of 2 Broke Girls’s titular duo, and her role is a somewhat natural extension of her character in Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. For now, she’s one of the brightest spots on CBS.
3. Sarah Michelle Gellar, Ringer
You might not consider Gellar a formal movie star, but she seems to dominate our Bad Movies We Love canon, so let it go. Gellar’s new series Ringer has garnered an inordinate amount of buzz for its pilot and sci-fi premise — and Gellar herself transcends the Whedon wheelhouse and has…
Seen here looking like the model of a gay escort ad found in the back pages of L.A. Weekly, actor Michael Copon is reportedly the latest dude who is dicking the plastic Caitian that is Kim Kardashian. Michael Copon looks like a wang wide receiver, but he doesn’t have a contract with the NFL so file this blessed union of love under: STUNT QUEENS.
Michael and Kim have been friends since 2006 when they played boyfriend and girlfriend in some movie. They’ve kept in touch over the years, but now that she’s shooting her shit show in NYC the two have started humping on each other. This is according to InTouch Weekly anyways. A source (aka Kris Jenner) says, “Kim is dating Michael. They have known each other for years, but he and Kim just recently reconnected. He’ll definitely be making appearances on Kim’s new TV show. They have been running in the same circles and going to the same events forever, but now they are hitting it off romantically. The timing is right for both of them.”
Kris Jenner has got to come harder and pick out more believable leased pieces for Kim. They really want us to believe that this reduced fat Twinkie is shooting his cream all over Kim’s extra fat Sno-Balls? Kim might be a big whore, but she doesn’t rip her panty Spanx off unless you’re wearing a jersey. And wearing your boyfriend’s jersey doesn’t count either!
Anyways, here’s Kim taking her jacked up face and her titty fuck dress to the season finale party for The Spin Crowd in NYC last night. Khloe Kardashian also showed up looking like if GLOW’s Mt. Fiji ate Hollywood and Vine. Only this bitch can pull off tiger print!
Seen here moments before they used their spiritual powers to float from the escalator to the floor, St. Angie, Zahara and Shiloh swept into LAX yesterday causing mortal retinas to tingle at the sight of their bright shiny halos. Note: Halos don’t show up in pictures.
These pictures will not only find their way into every Brangeloonies’ family album, they will also find their way into Jon Voight’s heart (right next to the tea bag). While promoting his new TV show Lone Star, Jon told OK! Magazine that he doesn’t mind the tabloids printing stories about his grandkids, because he gets the vapors every time he sees pictures of them. Jon explained, “Sometimes you don’t like it because sometimes it’s distorted stuff. But I like seeing them no matter where they are. I don’t read the stuff; I just look at their picture and swoon. I love them.”
Jon then went on to burp about how he’s been Skype-ing with the holy child army ever since St. Angie lifted the curse and invited him in, “All the kids are smart, I tell you. They’re beautiful children. Shiloh — boy, she’s a smart one! I’ve been away from my computer so I couldn’t get back to Maddox. I’m probably going to see him while I’m here. If I can see them in the flesh, that’s better than Skype.“
Shiloh-boy?! You ain’t right for that one, Jon. Not right at all. As soon as Maddox finishes tricking Aniston by Skype-ing her while wearing a Brad Pitt mask, he’s going to get Jon.
Here’s more of St. Angie, Zahara and Mini Brad gliding through LAX.
