Here’s Lynx the kitten teaching all of us a very important lesson: When there’s a bowl of lasagna soup (or whatever the hell that is) on the table across from you and you’ve got the drunks so bad that you keep falling while trying to get to it, keep going after it. You may fall a thousand times, but you’ll get it sooner or later. This is basically going to be all of us at around 12:02 tomorrow morning. Happy New Year!
via SayOMG
I’ll give you three guesses:
1. Even when I tell you this trick’s name, your brain will still burp up a question mark wrapped in a question mark wrapped in a HUH? wrapped in a question mark.
2. The guy at the deli who makes you an everything bagel with extra cream cheese every morning is more internationally famous than this ho.
3. Don’t let those smooth, supple ass cheeks fool you. It’s not Steven Tyler.
This is Claudia Galanti. I know, I could’ve said “this is Nobody McWho?” and you would have the same response. Claudia Galanti is some Italian showgirl/glamour model type and here she is in Miami, trying to get some paparazzi attention by dry humping her husband on the beach. I guess, Claudia figured that the paparazzi got tired of taking pictures of her ten mile-wide plastic titties, so she gave them shots of her nalgas instead.
The way she’s fame whoring hard for the camera… bitch is practically American now! She totally earned a Visa.
The Texas T-Rex could get nominated for an Oscar for Magic Mike (I hope he does and I hope they use his “money in the ass crack” scene when they announce his name at the show), but who ever is in charge of giving out Oscars should just give him an Oscar already for The Dallas Buyers Club before he shrinks himself down to the size of a flea’s kidney stone. And how can he carry an Oscar statue if he’s the size of a flea’s kidney stone?
Matthew McConaughey’s favorite bong is still frowning today, because he’s still only eating cow queefs (for protein) and dried kumquat seeds to play AIDS activist Rod Woodruff. Matthew shot a few scenes in New Orleans this morning and DAMN you know a ho is a MAN DOWN CODE 10 kind of skinny when it looks like his moustache weighs more than his entire body. We get it, Matthew, we get it, you’re a method artiste. We all know it, so you can eat some chocolate nachos from El Pollo Loco now.
With all that being said, his Sonny Bono circa 1981 wig IS the look.
And you know it’s Velveeta grits flavored.
Here’s Our Forever Lady of Cheetos awkwardly posing like a first grader with explosive diarrhea on picture day at X-Factor’s Final Four party in Beverly Hills last night. You know, I’ve been watching X-Factor lately, because Demi Lovato’s ever-changing eyebrow game is hypnotizing and mostly because of all the herp derp faces that Brit Brit makes during judging. A blind and deaf sloth could give better critiques than Brit Brit does, but her derpy faces make up for it.
Brit Brit made some of those same derpy faces I’ve come to love at last night’s X-Factor party. Now you know what you look like when you’re in a crowded elevator and are trying hard to keep a loud fart from shooting out of your ass. You also now know what it looks like when somebody shouts “PIZZA HUT CAME OUT WITH A PERFUME!” within earshot of Brit Brit.
Here’s more of Brit Brit at last night’s X-Factor party with Simon Cowell, Demi Lovato and Khloe Kardashian (who looks like a Wookie Jacqueline Susann).
The children of military families were probably really excited about filling their mouths with delicious drops of pure sugar at the unveiling of the White House Christmas decorations yesterday, and then Michelle Obama killed their dreams when she came out with a tray of tea and honey lollipops. Tea and honey lollipops. That’s like sucking on an old Celestial Seasonings teabag. This is worse than my mom serving us whole wheat cinnamon and no sugar toast for dessert. This is even worse than Natalie Portman not serving cake at her wedding.
As if a tea and honey lollipop isn’t gross on its own, Michelle Obama had to make it grosser by decorating it with sugar icing (not that gross), candied carrot curls and fruits and other vegetables. Is that celery on there? That lollipop looks like something found in a compost pile. It looks a beef stew pop.
I know Michelle Obama wants us all to be healthy and eat from the earth and stuff, but this is going too far. Besides, this isn’t even healthy. This is how I know:
I would have to eat least 12 preservative-filled corn syrup lollipops before I barfed.
I would have to eat only 1/10th of Michelle Obama’s tea and carrot lollipop before I barfed.
See, the facts don’t lie. I was always told to listen to my body and my body doesn’t want a tea and carrot lollipop.
Reuters, AP
While doing fisherman stuff in Lake Van, Turkey, a fisherman discovered some Disney movie shit when he watched a fox and a cat play together. Who knew that a fox slowly torturing and trying to eat a cat could look so adorable?
I don’t know if Colin Farrell is stealing that horse’s hairstyle or if the horse is stealing Colin Farrell’s hairstyle (SPOILER ALERT: It’s the first one). Here’s Colin Farrell on the Brooklyn set of his new movie Winter’s Tale and based on these pictures and his overall look, he’s either playing an Amish boy bander circa 1991 or he’s playing a pilgrim hitman who was into New Wave before New Wave was a thing. Whatever the case may be, I still would and he’s got so much kitchen grease in his hair that we wouldn’t even need to buy lube!
I haven’t watched Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never Wases since Nancy Grace’s Frisbee nipple flopped right out of her dress, so I only found out recently that Val Chmerkovskiy is a bona fide asshole who’s got douche syrup running through his veins just like his brother. But what I want to know is, when Val gets all mad and throws a dance floor hissy fit, does he puff his bulge as well as his chest? I bet his bulge looks so cute when it gets mad. And yes, this clip from last night’s show has proven to me that ABC should cancel this wreck and put all their money (and rolled-up tennis socks) into Dancing with the Hard Bulges.
So according to this PETA commercial, every dude who becomes a vegan will suddenly grow a bush of leafy pubes, a pair of lemon huevos and a gigantic cucumber dick that he’ll wave at everyone while making douche faces. You’ll be as hung the Jolly Green Giant. This is what Alicia Silverstone thinks of when she’s getting down with her vibrating leaf.
Since I’m like the gay Big and forever 13 years old , I have to blow practically every zucchini I see. But now, how can I do that without thinking about this mess of an ad? PETA ruined zucchini blow jobs for everyone. Damn them.
via Jezebel
Because there’s so much ugliness on Dlisted today, here’s a ginger gift for your eyes. Carrot Top, the torch that keeps thousands of crotches and Las Vegas glowing, is doing his part to find the cure for breast cancer by humping a sign, tongue banging the air and blowing pink pins at a Pinktober event in Vegas the other day.
You can’t tell from this picture, but Carrot Top’s team of security guards had to hold back dozens of men and women who kept trying to back up onto that tongue. Don’t give me that “Unless, they’re 8 feet tall, how can they back up onto that tongue?” shit. Because what do you think rolling ladders are for? Duh.
