Hurricane Sandy (full name: Hurricane Sandra Lee) isn’t going to get in the way of Trace Cyrus training for next year’s Kentucky Derby! I think this is what Lindsay Lohan meant by being positive. Get high on bath salts, put on a horse mask and get some cardio in by going wild in the DC streets.
via Videogum
Alicia Silverstone highly recommends feeding your kid like a bird and now she highly recommends fucking yourself with a leaf. Alicia endorsed a new line of eco-friendly sex toys that they say are designed to look like leaves and flowers, but they really look like slugs and Slimer’s kidney stones to me. But Alicia is all about getting off on these pregnant slug vibrators and she let her reasons for it be known in an open letter to the ladies (via Ecorazzi):
Ok, ladies– sometimes it’s nice to have a little extra…something…when you’re getting it on (solo, with your partner…whatever floats your boat). There is one personal massager company that’s actually Kinder than all the rest.
These vibrators from Leaf come in a bunch of different shapes, all inspired by nature. I like that they look natural and feminine…like leaves and flowers…not scary. Plus they’re made from phalate-free, super-soft (and safe) silicone, and they use rechargeable batteries. And they’re shipped to you in packaging that’s not only discrete, but made from recycled materials.
There’s a few different varieties so you can pick one that speaks to you. It’s nice to know that you can get your green on and your groove on at the same time!
When I was a high schooler, idolizing Cher in Clueless
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Besides MOOOOOOOONAAAAAAY and mud pits, Honey Boo Boo Chile loves nothing more than a drag queen animal, so it was love at first sight when she met Giggy from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills at Lisa Vanderump’s restaurant yesterday.
Giggy isn’t breaking out into a cold sweat, because he’s part wookiee and is afraid June the Hutt will swallow him whole before spitting all his bones out. Giggy has the look of embarrassed fear in his eyes, because he doesn’t want anybody to know he’s posing with a girl whose eyeliner game makes me want to play a sad trombone. Really, Honey Boo Boo looks like she just woke up after crying herself to sleep in a jail cell, because a police officer took her 40 oz. away when he arrested her for getting into a drunken brawl in the parking lot of a bar. That is some eyeliner of shame. Freshen that shit up, Honey Boo Boo!
Or maybe Honey Boo Boo did cry her eyeliner off, because when she got to the restaurant, she realized it was one of those bottom of the barrel eating establishments that doesn’t serve ketchup and butter sketti and hot dog bun garlic bread. That really is a reason to cry.
Here’s Brad Pitt looking like a dandy Southern sugar daddy who’s about to strangle his Puerto Rican twink lover with his gold robe belt for fucking the pool boy in the backyard cabana. This is some piping hot Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil realness and it’s made my nipple slits spit out drops of sweet tea. Blame it on the eyebrows above his lip.
Brad Pitt had a pretty boring conversation with Guy Ritchie for Interview Magazine, but what’s really selling this mess is him playing dress up. Brad dressed up as a gay mobster (or Johnny Hallyday), Billy Ray Cyrus and a constipated stoner rasta. Rasta Brad is what Brad would naturally look like if Angie Jo didn’t make the child army hold him down while she takes a FURminator and a whole bottle of shampoo to his greasy mop.
I’ve never really noticed this before, but when you get real close up to Brad’s face his skin kind of looks like hardened terra cotta clay covered with clumpy foundation. Smooth it out, girl, smooth it out.
I don’t watch The Good Wife, because on Sunday nights I choose to fill my head with quality television like The Real Housewives of New Jersey and the shitty remake of Steel Magnolias (more like Soft Weeds), but I’m all about a scene that involves ice cream and finger sex. So some woman named Kalinda and her piece (or who ever that dude is) were having angry words in an ice cream parlor full of laughing children and their conversation went so well that he decided to end it with a little rage-filled finger love. Because nothing brings out the sweetness in ice cream like poon juice, he stuck his fingers in Kalinda’s ice cold treat and she licked it up. To sluts like us, this isn’t that big of a deal, but think of the oldies watching this who had a coronary right after they made a soft-serve in their granny panties.
But I have a technical and probably really stupid question. Dude’s arm is behind her so how is he giving her some fingering fun? Is her coochie hanging off the seat? Is he poking her in the ass? Is he part Gumby and his arm just really, really long? Is there a hole in the bottom of the seat? If the answer is the last one, please give me the name of that ice cream parlor, because I need to go there.
And CBS should’ve joined forces with Baskin-Robbins to do some cross
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Who cares if Mickey Rourke is doing your auntie wrong by wearing her Liz Claiborne sunglasses from TJ Maxx and her favorite argyle sweater from the Talbots outlet mall, he’s bringing heat to the streets with that strawberry blonde loveliness on his head. Now is a good time to buy stock in Oster, because hundreds of middle-aged moms who just got this same haircut at MasterCuts are going to shave themselves bald after seeing Mickey Rourke wear the shit out of their hairstyle. Make those chonies drop with every swish of your fanny pack purse, Mickey!
Here’s Terrence Howard trying to sniff through the cigarette smoke-infused air to get to the sweet scent of Oprah’s freshly baby wiped butt. There’s a good reason for why Terrence Howard is making a sexy “Oh, I just wanna wipe up that butt baby-style” face and that’s because he’s shooting a love scene with The Mighty O. Oprah Instagram’d this picture of her and Terry on their last day of shooting Lee Daniels’ The Butler. Oprah said that this was their “goodbye love scene.” A tramped up Oprah and a slicked back Terry Howard getting on each other like that? Let’s all join a weeping Gayle King in the corner, because this scares and hurts me too.
via WOW Report
In case you forgot what Lindsay Lohan looked like before collagen, bad decisions and coke ate the youth from her face, here she is in a video from 2004 dancing in the background with Tina Fey while Amy Poehler does the Kevin G rap from Mean Girls. It’s weird seeing LiLo so fresh in the face and laughing at something other than having the coke farts. Weird!
You kind of just want to jump through the screen and say, “Hello Tina Fey, hello Amy Poehler, you don’t know me, but I am from the future and here are some documents you’ll need to legally adopt Lindsay Lohan because homegirl is headed for some fuckery. If you don’t want to do it, I’ll just give the documents to that hotel painting over there, because literally any thing can do a better job than White Oprah. I’ll explain the White Oprah thing to you later.”
via ONTD
Paula Deen and a group called Celebrity Chefs Tour are suing each other for millions of dollars and it really doesn’t matter why. You can read all about it here if you care, but the only thing that matters to us, the fuck word-loving nasty people, is that this blooper reel has hit public eyes because of the lawsuits. In the blooper reel, Paula spits out half of my vocabulary, takes an eclair’s virginity, talks about nasty meatballs and then she says the line that made my soul slowly melt into a puddle of butter: “This smells like dirty coochie.” And I don’t think she was making gumbo out of Anthony Bourdain’s used chonies.
The Food Network holiday party is the party to be, because it’s the only place where you can watch Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and Paula Deen deep throat the same giant candy cane at the same time. Overpaid celebrity TV cooks gone wild!
via NY Post (Thanks, Jennifer)
British model type Agyness Deyn got married to Forever Danny From The Other Sister To Me out of nowhere three months ago and I figured they’d be slipping signed divorce papers into the court’s mail slot as soon as the buzz from whatever wrong shit they were on wore off. But nope, they’re still getting wet for each other and here they are grossing everybody out at the grocery store in L.A. last night. You can’t tell from these pictures, but behind the pap was a huge group of angry people who dropped all the crap they were going to buy and walked out of the store because they were no longer in the mood to buy food.
We get it, Agymess and Giovanni, you’re totally in love and want to show this by looking like Alicia Silverstone and her son at lunch times. Or maybe love shit isn’t going down in these pictures at all. Maybe Giovanni is completing the Scientology ritual of sucking half of his wife’s soul into his head. Actually, that would be less gross than them mouth fucking in a place that has food in it. Nasty bitches. If they insist on doing this in a public place, Giovanni could at least give us some bulge shots or something. They’re selfish.
That jar of peanut is probably wishing it had the ability to barf up chunks of itself.
