QOTD: Kristen Stewart Really, Really Loved Working With Director Walter Salles

Above is a still from On the Road of Kristen Stewart doing the "Who wants to lick these pits?" pose while going for a topless drive with Sam Riley and Garrett Hedlund. If you want to see the NSFW and de-RPattz'd version of this pic, click here. Maybe it's just the picture, but is KStew's left nipple throwing a side-eye? It looks like a bean rolling off of a plate. Even her nipple is telling her to kindly exit stage right.

So KStew talked to MTV News (via The New York Times of the UK) about working with On the Road's director Walter Salles, and if Walter has a wife, his wife now knows what he's really been doing when he tells her he's taking a long walk on Pacific View Trail. Because KStew said this about working with Walter:

"You can do no wrong with [director Walter Salles]. He puts so much inside of you. In the four-week rehearsal process, it was okay to ask any question, to bring up any story, to really over-analyze everything and intellectualize everything. Once we got on set, it was so about just breathing and letting it happen. He put so much trust in us, so it was like, 'Okay, so I have to take my clothes off?' It's so not a big [deal]."

Oh, I bet he put so much inside of you. But seriously, doesn't Kristen Stewart know that you only have to bone the director while he's casting the role you want. You don't need to do it after you've already gotten the role! I swear.

QOTD: Kate Hudson Lost Her Baby Chunk By Working Out 6 Hours A Damn Day

Last year, Kate Hudson birthed out her second son and named him after a sports bar in the Boston area. (Okay, I don't know if there's a sport bar in the Boston area named Bingham Bellamy, but there should be.) Like all woman who have a hungry fetus inside of her for 9 months, her body got a few layers of chunk on it and she said she spent a quarter of her entire day working out to lose all the weight. Kate told Star Magazine (via Daily Mail) that right after her second kid was born, she spent more time doing Pilates than hanging out with him:

"I devoted six hours a day to a vigorous workout regime. I would do 45 or 55 minutes of cardio then an hour of Pilates or yoga, three times a day."

I blame babies for being so greedy all the time. While they're growing in a woman's womb, they should go on a juice cleanse (LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO) so its mom won't have to eat a bunch of food and get totally fat. Then when it comes out, instead of wailing for food all the time and crying for its mom to clean poop out of its butt, it should hold down its mom's feet so she can do sit ups and lose whatever weight she gained. It's all baby's fault for being a selfish baby.

And I think what Kate Hudson really meant to say is that she pretty much spent six FIGURES on getting full body lipo, a tummy tuck, a tit lift, vagina rejuvenation, uterus reupholstery and a new ass installed.

Like this bitch really spent 6 hours a day working out. When did she find the time to take care of Baby Bingham, do the laundry, clean the house, go to the grocery, make all the meals and take the other one to school? "Ahahahahaaaaa, that's funny." - Kate Hudson while taking a break from her six hours of Pilates while the nanny bottle feeds the baby in the corner.

Here's Kate and Matt Bellamy taking their baby for a walk in London the other day. Doing all that yoga and Pilates really messed up sense of direction, because bitch is walking backwards!

QOTD: Kunty Karl Doesn't Like Pippa Middleton's Face

Oh, it's been much too long since we've all frozen our finger tips on the ice cold cuntiness that pours out of Kunty Karl's ghoulish prune lips when he comes for a bitch. This newest ice pick of words from the Grand Dame Bitch of the House of the Death Eaters comes from The Sun and normally I look at anything that comes from The Sun with suspect eyes, but Kunty Karl would totally say this. It's practically stamped with a platinum certified cunt seal. (FYI: The platinum certified cunt seal is a picture of Choupette Lagerfeld winking.) As Karl ran his fingers through the mop of cob webs on top of his head, he shat out this piece of pot kettle pricelessness about the Middleton sisters:

"Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don't like the sister's face. She should only show her back."

Kunty Karl slapped her down like that. Damn. That crypt keeper went IN on her. That's like a poem by Yeats if Yeats was a straight-up, black-hearted harsh bitch who had his soul removed because it made him look fat. But I'm sure Karl will make it up to Pippa by sending her an apology gift in the form of a $50,000 Chanel bag made out of pink dolphin leather with a note written in his black blood that says: "This would look good over your head. Kisses, KK". Pippa should really take that as a compliment, because if Kunty Karl doesn't like her face then that means he'll never slurp blood from her neck veins. Bitch is lucky. Although, he might slurp blood from her butt veins......

QOTD: Joan Cusack's Bitchy Advice To Gabourey Sidibe

Right after Mo'Nique tried to break Precious' spirit by nearly hitting her on top of the head with a free falling TV, Joan Cusack tried to gently break Gabourey Sidibe's Hollywood dreams by telling her the same shit Stephanie Yellowhair would tell me if I said I wanted to work the stroll: "You just don't have the looks to work, bitch." During a game of Plead the 5th on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked Gaby what celebrity she was most disappointed by after meeting them (at the 1:14 mark in the video below) and this came out of her mouth:

"It's not in a mean way because I know she meant well. I met Joan Cusack, who is my favorite, favorite, and she... I love her. It was before I became whatever and I was like at some industry party and she says, 'Are you an actress?' And I said, 'Yeah.' And she says, 'Oh honey, you should really quit the business. It's so image conscious.' I think she really, really meant it in a good way... I think she really, really did, so no shade to her, but I was like, 'Oh, but I love you, please don't tell me to quit my job.'"

Joan is right. Hollywood usually only gets hard up for beauties, but if Joan's ass is still getting work, then they must not be that image obsessed. I'm sure Joan meant in a "this business will turn you into an insecure heffa and before you know it you'll be getting daytime chin lipo and an earlobe transplant to stay in the game" kind of way. Or Joan was just being an unfiltered bitch. I hope it's the latter, because we really need more bitches at the bitch table.

QOTD: Jon Hamm Has Zero Love For Wonky & Kim Karkrashian

Jon Hamm has taken a seat next to Daniel Craig on the anti-Kuntrashians side of the field by saying that he wet heaves up pieces of his stomach every time he thinks about how trash cans in Louboutins like Kim Kardashian get paid millions of dollars for acting the fool. Yes, it's true that Don Draper would totally suck a scotch-soaked ice cube out of Kim's ass, but Jon Hamm has no love for Pimp Mama Kris' whore zoo animal show. Jon put it like this to Elle UK (via Daily Mail):

"Whether it's Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly."

I resent that comment out of Hamm's hole. I'm a fucking idiot and I don't have no major reward to show for it (case in point: I lost the Bloggie!). But seriously, the only thing better than Jon Hamm trash talking Kim Kardashian is Jon Hamm trash talking Kim Kardashian while doing ten naked jumping jacks in a row. Actually, Mad Men would probably beat the Kuntrashians in the ratings if it was a full hour of Jon Hamm trash talking Kim Kardashian while doing naked jumping jacks.

QOTD: Cynthia Nixon Chose To Be A Lesbian

The good gay news today is that soon gays and gayelles will be able to have the rained out, flying fish wedding of their dreams at the Seattle Fish Market, because Washington is inches away from legalizing gay marriage finally. The other gay news that I'm not sure how to wrap the lobes of my brain around is that Cynthia Nixon told The New York Times that she made the choice to slurp on lady clit and fall in love with a woman.

"I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.

Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate. I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with."

At first, I took her words to mean that she chose to eat pussy the same way a gay person chooses to ignore their gayness by getting with someone from the opposite sex to please society. But that didn't really make sense, so I backed up out of that thought and then figured that she's trying to say who cares if it is a choice. That seemed sort of right, but then the light hit me after I asked myself, "Michael, if the most beautiful lesbian in the world Rojo Caliente asked you to drop the dick out of your mouth and come to the ginger side, would you go?" The answer is a full body FUCK YES! I'd drop that dick (but I'd come back for it afterward), grab my burn cream and prepare my tongue for some chili-crusted red snapper. So what I think Cynthia is TRYING to say is that she's a Rojosexual.

QOTD: Kirstie Don't Want No Hot Hot Man

I'm just going to drop this off and keep on going....

When asked about her dating life by Ellen DeGeneres, Alley, 60, admitted she usually goes for "psychos" and "players," so the host suggested she try going with the opposite of what she's attracted to.

"I'm thinking ugly men might be the solution," the Dancing with the Stars alum responded. "I'm talking about butt ugly. Because I go for really handsome men and I think butt ugly would be appreciative."

via CNN

QOTD: What Is Rooney Mara Shitting On Today?

You know, I threw lumps of cold shit at that Rooney Mara (from that Girl with the Double Dragon Tattoo shit) trick when she hocked a crusty loogie of ungratefulness at Christopher Meloni's nipples by saying that she doesn't get why hos are obsessed with Law & Order: SVU, but I'm actually starting to like her. I mean, a self-righteous twat of a bitch who has no filter on her thoughts and doesn't seem to care that she's coming off as a crystal clear cunt? MY KIND! Rooney might have been born with a silver spoon in her mouth, but she has knocked that silver spoon out with the verbal streams of bitchery that jump off of her tongue and hit her old employers right in their faces. Case in point: During an interview with Entertainment Weekly (via DS), Rooney squatted on the Nightmare on Elm Street remake she starred in and pushed this out:

"You kind of learn to self-sabotage with things you don't want to get. Sometimes you don't want to get something but you do a really good job and you get in anyway. That's kind of [what happened] with A Nightmare on Elm Street - I didn't even really want it. And then I went in [to audition] and I was like, [whispering] 'Fuck. I definitely got that'."

Megan Fox, please pack up all your shit and head for the door marked EXIT, because your services as the premiere shit talker of Hollywood are no longer needed. I do know what Rooney is saying, though. Like when I was 16, I applied for a job as a fucking bus boy at Disneyland, because: a) most of the bussers were really hot; and b) I needed money to buy a fake ID so I could dance in a tank top at 18+ gay clubs with my older friends. And when the bitch at human resources asked me if I knew how to use a broom and a dustpan, I knew that I nailed that interview (only it wasn't really an interview... It was just some bitch asking me if I knew how to sweep.... seriously). So, see. Rooney and I are totally the same. We take jobs we don't really want and then we talk shit about them later in life. Although, the closest Rooney has ever come to operating a broom is adjusting the stick that is permanently shoved up her overprivileged ass.

And I heard somewhere that when Rooney signed up for the first Nightmare on Elm Street, she had to sign up for the sequel too. So even though the remake was as entertaining as slowly ripping a scab off your taint, I really hope they make a sequel so we can watch Freddy filet his own throat to escape Rooney rolling her eyes in different languages. Yes, Rooney's eye rolls need subtitles. Bitch is THAT above you.

QOTD: Matt Damon Is So Over Obama

Matt Damon campaigned hard for Obama during the last election, but don't expect to see his ass at an Obama rally this time around, because all love is lost between the two. Matt tells Elle in so many words that he has broken up with Obama, and then he threw a whole lot of ice cold shade at our current president. Here's today's edition of "Movie Stars Talking Politics Talk!":

"I've talked to a lot of people who worked for Obama at the grassroots level. One of them said to me, ‘Never again. I will never be fooled again by a politician...' 

You know, a one-term president with some balls who actually got stuff done would have been, in the long run of the country, much better. If the Democrats think that they didn't have a mandate—people are literally without any focus or leadership, just wandering out into the streets to yell right now because they are so pissed off. Imagine if they had a leader."

Fooled by a politician? Who ever said that shit must be new here. It's okay, I too just learned to not put your trust into some politicians. But I learned this while watching an episode of 90210 where Congresswoman Brandy betrayed Silver by leaking that video of Teddy's gay wedding. Yes, I just admitted that I'm one of the only hos who still watch 90210. You can decide whether or not that's more embarrassing than Matt's Christmas vest.

QOTD: Patrizia Gucci Just Wants To Water Her Plants

This gold diamond beauty may have the face of a perfect glamorous angel whose air kisses taste like lip liner and money, but she has the heart of an ice-blooded evil monster. Patrizia Gucci was sentenced to 29 years in prison back in the 90s after she successfully ordered the hit of her ex-husband Maurizio Gucci, heir to the Gucci fortune, because she wanted more alimony. Patrizia is up for parole and when she went in front of the board at San Vittore jail in Milan, she said something that is the hottest and yet cuntiest thing I've heard today.

"No thanks as it would mean getting a job and I have never worked a day in my life. I would prefer to stay in my cell and water my plants and take care of my ferret."

I don't know whether to slap that crazy bitch or slap myself for loving her.

via Daily Mail