“See, judge, see, that evil blond bastard is abusing MY daughter! It’s like he’s purposefully teaching her how to plank backwards to make her and me look stupid. That’s abuse. Do something! Do something! I’m an Oscar winner!” is probably what came out of Halle Berry’s mouth in court yesterday as she presented the above picture to the judge as evidence that Gabriel Aubry is a threat to Nahla. It worked, because a judge ruled yesterday that Gabriel can’t spend quality time with Nahla without a court-appointed babysitter (or should I say, baddaddysitter) making sure he doesn’t kidnap her and take her to France to live with his fiancé. Oh wait, that’s what Halle’s trying to do. I get their crazy antics confused sometimes.
Gabriel was ordered back to court last month after the nanny accused him of raging at her while she was holding Nahla. The nanny filed a police report against him and The Department of Children and Family Services was brought in to investigate. The nanny also claims that Gabriel called her a racial slur several times and yelled at Nahla in front of her. Radar reports that after DCFS wrapped up their investigation, they recommended to the judge that Gabriel not be alone with Nahla for the time being. That means he’ll have a monitor sniffing on his ass
…
Full Story »
Richie Sambora was riding on the back of the wagon when he sort got a little too much hooch in his system, lost his balance and fell the hell off. Richie got up, brushed the dust off of his rubber v-neck t-shirt and stumbled over to the nearest rehab center to check in. Radar reports that the peen who cut Heather Locklear and Denise Richards’ friendship in half is on his way to be treated for the serious drunks and exhaustion. You know, because being in a state of DRUNK during every minute of the day is tiring!
A source explained Richie’s latest rehab trip like this: ”Richie recently has been drinking too much, and wants to get his life together. Richie has had a busy year. I think this was a culmination of all the things that overloaded his life and finally he realized he needed to take care of himself.”
So far Bon Jovi’s tour dates for this month and next have yet to be rescheduled or axed completely.
In rehab, they tell you to be honest and let your mind’s thoughts spill all over the place like a blanket of truth, right? So WHY COME (yes, WHY COME) not one bitch in rehab has been straight up with Richie and let him know that the feathery nest of Mrs. Brady’s old hairstyles on his head need to climb up the 12 steps to the roadkill cemetery?! Or just sign me in on family day and I’ll tell him!
The prosecutors in the robbery case against Lindsay Lohan are putting Neosporin on the paper cuts on their assholes, because they were just fucked with a $35,000 deposit slip. Radar reports Kamofie & Co., the jewelry store that claims LiLo snatched a necklace from them, allegedly sold the surveillance footage of her for $35,000 (riveting still Entertainment Tonight above). Radar’s sources say that Kamofie & Co.’s owner whored it out to a media broker who put it on the stroll and sold it in the US as well as an overseas media outlet. That noise you just heard was every weekend worker at ET knocking their phones off the hook, because they know that White Oprah and her call center of justice (aka Cody, Nana Lohan, Ali and one of her T.G.I. Friday drinking partners) will be hitting them up for profits.
TMZ reports that LiLo has turned down the prosecutors plea bargain deal, because it includes around 3 months of jail time and she’s not about to spend 90 days injecting roach guts and shaving gel into her lips to keep them plump. LiLo has been telling her lawyer that she wants to go to trial instead of settling for jail time, because she believes the lack of evidence will
…
Full Story »
Terrence Howard’s wife of only one year Michelle Howard, seen her trying to hide the down low discomfort she feels from over-baby wiping her chocha, has filed for divorce. Terrence and Michelle made wipes every variety cry Propylene glycol tears of happiness when they were married on January 20, 2010. Michelle wrote January 27, 2011 as the day their marriage fell into a Pamper and got stuffed into a Diaper Genie.
Radar reports that Michelle wants spousal support and is also asking that Terrence take care of her legal fees. Terrence and Michelle never had children, because he didn’t want her sharing her stash of Baby Wipes with anybody else!
Terrence’s voice could melt the ice in my well whiskey, but that bitch has the wrong kind of OCD. Michelle couldn’t use the bathroom without Terrence putting his ear up to the door to make sure her hand never touched that roll of toilet paper. After she finished, Terrence went in there and counted every damn sheet! If Michelle’s pussy didn’t smell like baby ass and Purell, he sent her back to the bathroom to try again. Michelle is divorcing that motherfucker, because she wants CHARMIN back in her life. It’s as simple as that.
TMZ recently posted an e-mail Charlie Sheen apparently sent to a paid pussy peddler he found on an escort emporium called CityVibe. Charlie bragged that he’s an A-list actor before requesting the services of Ginger. The e-mail, which was sent at 8:30am from AOL, is below. If you need a quick afternoon buzz, print it out, chop it into a million pieces and quickly snort it up like the P.A. from Two and a Half Men is knocking on your dressing room door.
Subject: Your Cityvibe Ad
From: Charlie Sheen <[redacted]@aol.com>
Date: Mon, January 10, 2011 8:37 am
To: [redacted]@gmail.comGinger..
U are fabulous!
I’m an A-list actor that you mite like to meet… Ure fone is dead and out of service ….
310 [redacted]
xo
csSent from my iPhone
Radar reports that Ginger answered Charlie’s cooch call and showed up to his suite at The Palms at 9 that morning . Ginger stuffed $10,000 into her cleavage for 4 hours of her time and a source says that Charlie paid two other call girls $8,000 each for dealing with his ass.
The source says that Ginger told them Charlie took his nostrils for a ride on the Colombian trail in front of her and stayed higher than a politician during their 4 hours together. But
…
Full Story »
Contrary to the rumors that Kanye West’s crotch is a silky smooth canvas with the “Creation of Kanye” tattooed on it, Radar reports that he does indeed have a peen. And before Kanye picked out his girlfriends at an Elite casting call, he took pictures of his peen and sent that mess out to possible fuck partners he met on MySpace. The portraits of Gay Fish’ gonopodium are now up for sale. Try not to reach for your coin purses at once (that ones goes to you, Tommy Girl AND Gay Al).
Radar, who has seen two of the pictures, says that Kanye is only wearing sunglasses and gold neck chains in one picture. In the other, Kanye’s CAPS LOCK COCK is peek-a-booing out of the dick hole in his boxers. A source -ype added this, “These pics have been floating around since he hit so many girls up on MySpace. He probably sent them to many, many women.“
While I do believe that staring into the eye of Kanye West’s sultan of spiritual sperm will transport me to a euphoric land where all of life’s greatest mysteries (Example: Is Kanye’s dick as hung as his ego?) will be answered, his shit is the last shit I want to see. Why don’t we ever get pictures of hos we actually want to see naked? You know, like Donny Deutsch or Verdine White?!
And in the blink of a damn eye, Xtina has bowled a coagulated blood ball down her driveway for Bat Boy to chase after, because she’s really done with his ass for real. Radar reports that the head don of the red lipstick mafia sealed her divorce papers with a MAC-coated kiss and filed them in California this morning. Just a couple of days ago Xtina confirmed that she’s no longer riding on her husband’s bat wings of love.
After Radar took a few bottles of lipstick remover to the documents and brushed away the thick layer of pressed powder, they read that there is a prenup and Xtina is refusing to write Bat Boy a monthly check for spousal support. Xtina wants the court to categorize all her shit (including her money, her joo-ree, the peroxide pool in the backyard, the private Max Factor warehouse in her basement, etc….) as personal property. As for their son Max? Xtina wants to share physical and legal custody of him with Bat Boy.
But wait, a source is telling the ESCANDALOSO News Desk (aka TMZ) that Xtina and Bat Boy’s 5-year-old marriage threw itself into a mine in Chile after she allegedly put her mark on another dude’s taint. They say that is the true reason as to why they broke up on 9/11/10 (“Please 4get” – Xtina’s marriage to us).
This is really tragic. Another marriage ending due to wandering wang, or sauntering snatch in this case. It’s tragic because wayward whores really have to learn how to clean up their tracks! Although in Xtina’s defense,
…
Full Story »
Hopefully for him, Juicy Delicious’ cell husband also believes in “happy life, happy wife” or it’s going to be a loooong ten days for his ass (literally). Radar reports that Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey won’t have her husband around to “Oooh Oooh Aaah Aaah” on her in the bedroom for 10 full days, because he’s going off to jail! Will somebody give Teresa a King Louie stuffed animal to hump on when she goes into heat so she won’t start chewing on tractors and throwing around four wheelers again.
This past Wednesday, a judge in New Jersey sentenced Juicy Joe to jail for driving with a suspended license. Juicy was also fined $1,000 and his license has been put on pause for another year. Juicy will have to put on a fat toddler-sized jail jumper to start serving his sentence next week.
Back in March, Juicy’s license was suspended and he was sentenced to 30 days of community service for driving while drunk in January. Juicy’s stupid ass ran into a telephone pole near a friend’s house. Juicy’s story is that while he waited for the cops to show up, he went into his friend’s house to have a few shots of the sweet nectar. Personally, I think Juicy went inside to hide the bloody bodies, severed horse head and suit case full of cash that was in the trunk of his car.
Prostitution Whore-ah would get into her Range Rover to drive over to Teresa’s Casa de Foreclosure to cackle at their sadness, but Life & Style says her SUV was repossessed today! How in the hell is Danielle supposed to stalk her enemies now? Rolling up in her daughter’s old Lil’ Princess Big Wheel isn’t exactly the epitome of inconspicuousness.
Jennifer Aniston took a page out of the playbook co-written by St. Angie Jo and Sienna Miller by snatching another bitch’s man! Sort of. Kind of. Not really. But calling Jennifer Aniston a “homewrecking slut” instead of a “desperate sadling” is different and fun!
So apparently, Jennifer is dating the star of Tremors II Chris Gartin. Chris was also in a few episodes of True Blood, which means he might have breathed in the same air as Lafayette, which means he’s a total catch.
Sources say that things between Jennifer and Chris have gotten serious. Chris has introduced Jen to his two kids, and she has introduced him to her toilet paper roll doll collection. That serious! But not all of her friends are farting happy bubbles for her. In fact, Radar reports that Jen pulled the shank out of her back that Brad left there and used it to stab one of her friends to get a piece of Chris.
Chris’ ex-wife (their divorce was finalized last month) Joanna Gartin claims she has been friends with Jennifer for long time. Joanna says that Jennifer first knew Chris as her husband. When Joanna was asked what she thinks about Jennifer and Chris’ new thing, she said, “I’m really not at all interested in it. Jennifer has been my friend — our friend — for over 10 years… we have known each other a long time.”
Joanna’s mother is also getting into this shit. She told Australia’s Woman’s Day magazine, “It’s been difficult for Joanne. It just seems so bizarre to me because Jo and Jen are such good friends. I find it very strange
…
Full Story »
