“There was one particular time I knew I wasn’t going to win, and when they’d train the camera on me as one of the losers, I wanted to be able to rip open my tuxedo shirt and just have stenciled on my chest, ‘Oh, shit.’ But my wife wouldn’t let me do it.” While he’s at it, here’s more vivid imagery from Hoffman recalling his days rooming with fellow Oscar winner Robert Duvall: “One time he came home when a girl and I were taking a shower, and the next thing you know he had taken off all his clothes, got in with us, put his hand out, and said, ‘Hey, I’m Dusty’s roommate, Bob Duvall. Can I have the soap?’” [Maxim via Moviefone]
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Rip the stoner hero cape (made from Burrito Supreme wrappers, In-N-Out tray liners and Pizzarias bags) off of Zach Galifankankfdnadkslf’s shoulders, because he admits that the joint he took a hit of on Real Time wasn’t stuffed with the green flowers from heaven’s gardens. It was just cloves! Yes, CLOVES! That shit I can never find in my Hoarders-like kitchen cabinet when I’m trying to make a damn pie. Then I run out and buy some like an asshole only to find a full jar wedged in the back of my cabinet a few hours later. THAT SHIT! First, Prop 19 gets pounded down into a mound of unsmokeable shake, and now this!
This is what Bill Maher told Wolf Blitzer last night about Zach toking it up on his show:
“If it was a real joint, Wolf, I would have smoked it … I think it was cloves or something. Zach’s crazy, he’s not that crazy.”
But seriously, this is almost the same excuse I gave to the food delivery dude who stared at the Ziploc bag full of herb I had on the table. “Um….That’s just a special kind of Oolong tea I buy at the herbalist. I have a cold, okay!“
Naomi Campbell could rip the hide off of the last living snow leopard and wear it to a Peta event, and I’d simply shrug while saying, “That’s her way!” Naomi Campbell could bite into the froat of a blind homeless man thinking he looked at her the wrong way, and I still wouldn’t even bother throwing half a side-eye at her. But this this THIS right here is some deplorable shit! This is a valid reason for the state to stamp Naomi’s forehead with a giant red 5150! Somebody needs to put on a Hannibal Lecter mask (so she can’t Cape Fear you in the cheek) and gently hug her with a Versace straitjacket. Naomi has finally gone too far.
During last night’s Watch What Happens: Live, Naomi, who is supposedly a Real Housewives fan, called in to ask Teresa Giudice a question. The question was not: “Can you meet me at the nearest corner so I can introduce your face to my new spiked Blackberry?” And it also wasn’t: “Can you donate some of your overgrown hairline to my tragic hairline situation?” No, Naomi said this to Teresa:
“How do you do it? You have four kids, you take care of your family, you cook and clean. I mean, you have no help at all. How do you do it?! You’re a role model. It’s like, you dress all your kids. They’re always….it’s amazing.
(Andy to Naomi: “You think she’s a role model?“) Yeah, she’s a role model, a mother…. She’s a business woman, she’s cooking, she’s cleaning, she’s a wife…. You know, yeah. The real deal.”
Of course, Naomi also
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Somebody from The Expendables had to rip his shirt off and scream like Mel Gibson in heat at the New York Stock Exchange today, and Terry Crews was just that someone!
Does Terry have a muscle on every inch of his body? I think I see a six-pack on his tongue! I bet he can lift the entire Hogan family with one of his ass lips.
You better get yourself a good medical plan before you fuck with Terry. If one of his peen veins throbs just a little while he’s hitting it, you will end up with a deviated rectum and a shattered ass bone. Terry’s idea of using protection involves more than just a condom made out of Kevlar. It involves a full emergency medical team standing by to whisk you off to the nearest trauma center if shit gets too intense.
That being said, I still would! Duh. And duh. Call up Kaiser Permanente and ask them what their deductible is on injuries related to getting fucked by Terry Crews.
Here’s more of Jason Statham, Sly Stalone, Dolph Lundgren and Terry Crews at the NYSE today. I’m surprised Sly’s Joker brows didn’t drop when Terry flexed one of his biceps.
