Lindsay Lohan, seen here Photoshopped to Fuck U and back on Complex Magazine, is living in a fantasy dream world where she thinks that she’s going to skip into court tomorrow morning and Judge Marsha will tell her that Fudgie the Whale has agreed to serve her 90-day jail sentence for her. Fudgie will tell LiLo that he owes this to her for wronging her family. Then Judge Marsha is going to snap her fingers and LiLo’s Scram anklet will explode into a cloud of whiskey-coated Adderall pills! Yes, this is what’s going to happen.
A source tells TMZ that even though LiLo’s lawyer Robert Shapiro has told everyone that she will start serving her jail sentence tomorrow, she still doesn’t think that she’s going to spend a second behind bars. LiLo’s thought bubble of delusion is carrying the idea that Robert Shapiro will convince Judge Marsha to magically erase her sentence.
Meanwhile, instead of doing internet research on how to make fake tanner out of prison cheese and roach guts, LiLo is Twittering about her ex-father:
I don’t want my ex-father anywhere near me no matter where I am. He is crazy and scares me.
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitterI don’t want Michael Lohan Sr. anywhere near me, no matter where I am. I am in a great place and he only brings negativity in my world.
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter
IN A GREAT PLACE?! Did she Tweet that from the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle? I mean, this trick is going to jail and she thinks
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When Lindsay Lohan checked herself into Robert Shapiro’s House of Sober Living, my ass figured it was just her way of trying to get out of sitting in a jail room. But her lawyer Robert Shapiro says this isn’t so and tells UsWeekly that LiLo will start serving her 90-day jail sentence on Tuesday morning. Robert said:
“I have agreed to represent Ms. Lohan on the condition that she complies with all of the terms of her probation, including a requirement of jail time that was imposed by Judge Marsha Revel. Ms. Lohan is suffering from a disease that I am all too familiar with (FYI: Robert’s son died of a drug overdose in 2005). Hopefully, I can be of assistance to Ms. Lohan and Judge Revel in implementing a treatment approach recommended by medical professionals for Ms. Lohan’s long term recovery and sobriety.”
What were you saying, Robert? I was too wrapped up in the image of me lounging on one of your brows in front of a roaring fireplace with a glass of Andre in one hand and a chocolate covered strawberry in the other. I don’t mind the rug burns.
But seriously, Robert is actually telling us that LiLo has a serious craving for the bad shit and needs to get that mess worked out. Can somebody please put a mic under White Oprah’s mouth and then hit her with it? After you do that, ask her what she thinks of Robert’s statement about her sober child needing help. “OH! He didn’t mind THAT kind of disease. He meant that he sometimes suffers from the delusions like all of us!….Oh and fuck Fudgie the Whale!” – White Oprah
Here’s Robert and Enablerham Lincoln visiting LiLo yesterday afternoon.
Since Lindsay Lohan wants to continue her streak of fucking things up, she has decided to not hire the dazzling legal showman that is Stuart V. Goldberg (aka the sole reason why rhinestones sparkle). Over the weekend, Mr. Goldberg flew into my life on a tanned Pegasus when it was reported that he was LiLo’s newest attorney. Well, TMZ farted on my dream bubble that holds an image of Mr. Goldberg waltzing with White Oprah in the court room by reporting that he is not LiLo’s main legal bitch after all. LiLo is going to give Robert Shapiro the job instead.
Sources close to Mr. Goldberg (*cough*Oompa Loompas*cough*) claim that LiLo simply couldn’t afford his services and he refused to work for free. Mr. Goldberg was probably highly offended when LiLo offered to pay him with boxes of that Sevin Nyne shit! How dare that dumb bitch LiLo assume that Mr. Goldberg covers his precious skin with fake tan diarrhea! That can’t be further from the truth. It’s obvious that Mr. Goldberg achieves that George Hamilton glow by directly smiling at a mirror. The sunshiney rays from his teeth ricochet off the mirror and softly caress his skin.
However, sources close to LiLo say that she didn’t go with Mr. Goldberg, because she thinks he’s just a little too “eccentric.” Yes, TOO ECCENTRIC! Can you believe that shit? Actually, I can believe it, because LiLo is a piece of garbage that not even Trash Heap would hump on. The same goes for White Oprah. Those two gutter hags wouldn’t know elegance and class if it was wrapped in slimy
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