Since J. Harvey is a certified drunk mess, I felt it was only fitting to announce his triumphant return with these pictures of Our Patron Saint of Patron, Kate Moss, trying to figure out how “this walking thing” works while leaving a Mexican restaurant in London with her husband Count Von Count last night. But before I get into Drunk Ass Kate being Drunk Ass Kate….
One of the more reliable voices in my head tells me that the sanctity of marriage will receive a flaming breath of life this weekend when the most gorgeous ginger lesbian on every planet Rojo Caliente marries Cynthia Nixon. So because of this, I’m going to spend my entire Memorial Day Weekend throwing confetti made of double pleated Dockers in the streets to celebrate the greatest ROYAL GINGER LESBIAN WEDDING OF OUR TIME! No, I won’t be doing that, but I did hear that a Rojo Caliente wedding might be upon us soon, so gird your souls! My mom is in town, so my sister and I will be spending our Memorial Day Weekend fighting with each other in various restaurants around the city. While I do that, J. Harvey will be spreading the foolery on Dlisted starting today through Monday. I’ll still be posting sporadically (file that under: smart words I learned while watching Clueless) throughout the weekend, so you haven’t completely gotten rid of me. I’ll be back full-time
…
Full Story »
Katie Price’s divorce to cross-dressing MMA fighter Roxy Baby isn’t finalized yet, but that hasn’t stopped her from lining up her next ex-husband. Kim Kardashian has handed the whoopin’ stick to Katie Price and now it’s her turn once again to beat at the pile of horse bones dust that is the sanctity of marriage. Katie’s rep told The Sun yesterday that her Argentine boy piece Leandro Penna pooped the question into her ears on Friday night. Since Katie will only say no to the questions “Your skin is starting to bubble, do you think you should get out of the tanning bed now?” and “Can we fuck without the cameras just this once?“, she said YES! It’s a wonderful day for Katie’s divorce lawyer (he can put a down payment on that country house now) and Thelma Madine (who obviously makes all of Katie’s cotton candy queef wedding dresses). Katie’s rep had this to say about her latest engagement:
“It’s true — they are engaged. Leandro proposed to Katie while they were away skiing recently — and she said yes. They told her children but had intended to keep it secret for a while. No wedding arrangements have been made and they are both quite relaxed about that for the time being.”
Leandro designed Katie’s ring himself with help from her favorite jeweler. Today is the day where you
…
Full Story »
A good wig, a strong breast cream that will keep her underchichi areas from chafing and a furrier who specializes in Muppet pelts are just some of the things that are important to Aretha Franklin, but she made it clear in a statement today that nothing is more important to her than the sanctity of marriage which is why she’s decided to press pause on making William “Catfish” Wickerson her third husband:
“Will and I have decided we were moving a little too fast, and there were a number of things that had not been thought through thoroughly. There will be no wedding at this time. We will not comment on it any further because of the very personal and sensitive nature of it. We appreciate all of the many well wishes from friends.”
So either: a) Catfish wasn’t about to sign a prenup; or b) Catfish and Aretha didn’t want to lose the quick sinful rush they feel from having premarital titty sex.
via UsWeekly
“Aziz [Ansari], barely audible over the jabbering crowd and telling jokes skewering everything from the gay hookup app Grindr to the sanctity of marriage, is bombing terribly. He’s visibly annoyed. All of a sudden, Cuba Gooding Jr. bum-rushes the stage out of nowhere, snatches Aziz’s microphone, and yells, ‘Everybody, shut the FUCK up! Have some respect for the black men onstage.’ Aziz —who is Indian— looks baffled, and when Cuba exits, remarks, ‘Y’all would be paying more attention if we were showing Boat Trip up here!’ Aziz: 1, Cuba: 0.” [Sundance Channel/Daily Beast]
Full Story »
After 18 long months (that’s three eternities in Kardashian years) of wearing a wedding band, Mena Suvari has decided that her wedding band would look a lot better off of her finger and in the palm of a pawn shop clerk, because she has filed for divorce from her second husband Simone Sestito. A two-time divorcee by the age of 32! Mena is living the life I was supposed to live if gay marriage was legalized in the late 90s. DAMN HER! But all jokes aside, it really is a sad day when the couple name of SiMen SuTit is no more.
People says that Mena and Simone became wife and husband in a beautiful pre-divorce ceremony two Junes ago in a private church in Vatican City, Italy (or as I called it when I got into a shoving match with some Eastern European bitches in front of a nativity scene, “Faticunt City”). Mena says in divorce papers filed in L.A. that they officially stopped staring at each other’s faces on a daily basis on November 1, 2011. Mena doesn’t want to pay spousal support and says that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why their marriage drowned in a bath tub full of rose petals as Kevin Spacey tried to molest it.
I can already hear whores screaming about how these young Hollywood sluts
…
Full Story »
If a bitch ain’t getting engaged (see: Retha and LeBron James), then a bitch is getting married. The dried piece of tortured horse meat that is the sanctity of marriage was kicked in its core this past weekend when that slut pig Brandi AnalGlanville married one of her douche hole friends for a day (and for fucking shits), but it also got a sprinkling of glitter on it when human unicorn horn Johnny Weir married his Russian lawyer boyfriend Victor Voronov. Somewhere, there’s a foot massager with a broken heart.
Johnny Twatted this out about his new marriage:
I’m married! @vitya_zvesda ♥
@Jillzarin Wedding in summer! But all the official stuff is done now! No more livin’ in sin!
That summer wedding is on its knees and begging to be filmed for a reality show and I’m on my knees right next to it. Johnny’s wedding is going to be a decadent display of rhinestone-encrusted EXTRAVAGANZAAAAA! Haven’t you always dreamed of seeing a groom wearing a tuxedo made entirely of gold leaf? Johnny will make that dream come true. Haven’t you always dreamed of watching flower girls dressed in swan costumes make figure eights around the two grooms standing under an altar covered in fur flowers? Johnny will make
…
Full Story »
I’ll add more to this Halloween gift as soon as I stop HAHAHAHAHAHA-ing from every one of my fingers.
Okay, I’m back and I’m still trying to fight the urge to HAHAHAHAHAHA through my finger tips throughout this entire post, but you must know why the true love bubble out of E!’s ass has burst all up in Ryan Gaycrest’s face. TMZ reports that the completely staged marriage that you thought would last about as long as a fart trying to escape through Kim’s canyon of doom ass has already died after 72 days. As Pimp Mama Kris lines up johns (aka People Magazine, Life & Style, etc…) and sponsors (aka Legalzoom, etc…) for the multimillion dollar divorce tour special, Kim’s divorce lawyer Laura Wasser is filing papers in L.A. today.
A source tells TMZ that this trash heap alien-faced whore is filing for divorce from I Already Forgot His Name, because he wants to stay in Minnesota and the flash from a pap’s camera is her oxygen so she refuses to leave L.A. They didn’t figure this out before their $10 million dollar wedding, because she was too busy creaming out from every orifice over the thought of how much attention (and nonreturnable gifts) her fraudulent marriage would get.
Kim Kuntrashian stuffed $18 million into her gaping wide checking account for the wedding and she’ll probably stuff a few million in for “Kim’s Fairytale Divorce” special. Then in about six months, she’ll
…
Full Story »
The Cathedral of Saint John the Baptist will be closed for renovation today as crews take down the Shroud of Turin and throw it into the back alley dumpster outside since there’s no need for it now that Vanity Fair has published THE HOLY FACE OF ANJESUS on their new cover. In Vanity Fair’s new issue, which the Gideons will distribute to motels across the country beginning next month, Angie Jo says that the child army isn’t hiring at the moment and also said that she and Brad Pitt will not bless the sanctity of marriage anytime soon.
Angie mostly talked about the new movie she wrote and directed called In The Land of Blood and Honey. No, it’s not about the civil unrest on Pooh Corner. It’s also not a post-apocalyptic tale about a battle for the last box of Nuttin’ Honey (I WISH!). It’s a love story between a woman and her torturer set during the Bosnian War. So it’s sort of like a symbolic film about the time you watched The Tourist while sober (sans the love story part). Here’s what Angie Jo had to say about that shit:
On how Brad thinks she’s going to throw shade at directors now that she’s a director (I see you eye rolling) herself: “Brad thinks I’m going to be a nightmare. I had such a good experience he thinks I’m going to be
…
Full Story »
When I first read at People that Falcor’s long-lost twin sister LeAnn Rimes is engaged to Eddie Cibrian, I had to rotate and squint my eyes at the date to make sure it wasn’t a repeat story from last month or the one before. LeAnn and Eddie’s stupid asses have already put the wolf to shame by crying out their faux engagement news over and over again. They did it in October and November, but apparently this one is sticking. LeAnn’s spokeswhore farted out to People Magazine that the two have once again caused the sanctity of marriage to rolls its eyes by getting engaged over the holidays at her home in Los Angeles.
People even has a TOTALLY NOT STAGED picture of LeAnn flashing the ring SHE TOTALLY DID NOT BUY HERSELF (REPEAT: SHE DID NOT GIVE EDDIE HER BLACK AMEX AND TELL HIM TO GO PAY FOR THE RING SHE DESIGNED HERSELF THE DAY THEY STARTED FUCKING. NO) in Malibu today.
LeAnn spread the news on Twitter too:
For those who haven’t read, Eddie and I got engaged over the holidays. That’s the news. It’s for real this tine and the first time EVER!
18 minutes agoSo funny, my dear publicist is the same rep for
…
Full Story »
