John Krasinski threw a 42nd birthday party for Matt Damon at burlesque club The Box in London on Saturday night and invited the likes of his wife Emily Blunt, THOR (government name: Chris Hemsworth), Bill Paxton and the belle of every ball, Tommy Girl. You’d think that Tommy would have better dicks things to do on a Saturday night than hang out with those bland, basic, uncooked cauliflower people, but he can’t say no to a good old-fashioned nalgas beating by a cross-dressing hostess. When John told Tommy that paddles were involved, Tommy’s ass, which has a mind of its own, dropped to the ground and scooted him straight to The Box.
Page Six says that Tommy showed up without a date and his first words to Matt may or may not have been, “Direct my ass cheeks to the paddle.” A source type says that Matt and Tommy were the only ones to get spanked and Matt got it extra, because it was his birthday. The source also said, “They all had a fantastic night enjoying the shows and partying till the end.”
For that cross-dressing hostess’ sake, I hope she wore nose plugs and a plastic face mask, because you have no idea what could come shooting at you right after you give Tommy Girl the paddle. Spank him once, and next thing you know a geyser of barley water is shooting out of his Scientolohole before raining all over you. Tommy’s definitely a squirter.
Ben Affleck’s look at a hidden story from the Iranian hostage crisis, Bill Murray as FDR, Marion Cotillard playing a woman whose life is dramatically altered in an instant, as well as a pair of acclaimed foreign language films are just a few of the most buzzed about movies coming out of this year’s Telluride Film Festival. Over the course of just four days here in this Colorado mountain town, attendees got a head start peek at some of the best movies of the year. Films and performance that will have moviegoers talking this fall.
Marion Cotillard
Saturday night here in Telluride, French actress Marion Cotillard sat at a small dinner alongside director James Gray. Directors Alexander Payne and Sally Potter were among those wishing her well at the intimate gathering after her on stage tribute. Cotillard is starring in Gray’s upcoming movie, Nightingale and Gray was here in Colorado to salute her on stage as she received a festival tribute. While the night included a five minute clip from Nightingale, the Cotillard movie that had festival goers buzzing was Jacques Audiard’s Rust and Bone.
Marion Cotillard, Photo by Eugene Hernandez
Set on a grittier side of the South of France than is typically pictured in the gossip magazines, Audiard’s Rust and Bone is the story of an animal trainer at the local Marineland who fights back from a dramatic setback. It would be an unfair spoiler to detail the nature of Cotillard’s character’s devastating journey but it’s safe to say that as she comes to grips with her future she also finds love in an unexpected place.
Cotillard’s performance has been hailed since the film’s debut at the Cannes Film Festival earlier this year and there’s little…
An amusing-looking (and harmless) independent film called Iron Sky is hoping to make some noise at Comic-Con. The noise they’ve picked is that of goose-stepping — a publicity march of hot women dressed as pseudo-Nazis marching around the convention this Saturday. And you can hashtag your pics, too!
Iron Sky is a Grindhouse-y tale about Nazi descendents (led by Udo Keir!) living on the far side of the Moon, poised to invade Sarah Palin’s America. A little campy, but it’s in good enough fun, plus the special effects look remarkable for a low budget affair. So far my grandparents aren’t spinning in their grave. Oh, wait, my grandparents don’t have graves. They were incinerated.
Anyway, Saturday at the Con, the producers of Iron Sky invite you to “Catch the hot Iron Sky army girls marching in full formation for photo ops in San Diego’s Gaslamp Quarter and outside the Convention Center Concourse.”
Catch the hot IRON SKY army girls marching in full formation for photo ops in San Diego’s Gaslamp Quarter and outside the Convention Center Concourse on Saturday, July 14th from 8:30am to 7:00pm!
Tweet your photo with the IRON SKY babe army #IronSky #ComicCon #SDCC and come visit the film’s official booth on the convention floor to claim your prize! Prove you found our army by showing us your photo on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram and win some sweet IRON SKY swag!
The Iron Sky trailer:
A publicist confirms that Iron Sky’s “Army Girls” will, in fact, be dressed like the female character on the film’s poster – a Nazi invader played by actress Julia Dietze – and are meant to evoke the lost band of Aryans who, in the film, used rocket technology to wait out the post-war years.…
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All hail our new ugly bitch king Mugly!
The title of World’s Ugliest Dog went to another Chinese Crested this year after 8-year-old Mugly won the top prize at the annual pageant in Petaluma, CA yesterday. Mugly and his owner Bev Nicholson came all the way from Britain to see if he could kill the competition with his bloated Snooki body, his Snoop Dogg after 10 blunts eyes, his grandpa seal whiskers and his Ivy Queen nails. Mugly did it and he won a $1,000 cash prize, a VIP stay at Sheraton Petaluma, a bunch of dog treats and the honor of being the ugliest bitch in all the land.
My heart will forever belong to last year’s winner Yoda (RIP), but I like Mugly. Just look at him. Dude’s got his legs spread open, is stoned into another world, is wearing the shit out of that tiny hat and looks like he’s in the middle of letting out a slow fart. Basically, that’s me on my sofa every Saturday night.
L to R: Tom Hardy, Jessica Chastain, John Hillcoat and Mia Wasikowska in Cannes Saturday.
Born in Australia and raised in Canada, John Hillcoat spent a lot of time in America growing up taking family vacations through the American south, which provides the backdrop for his Cannes competition feature Lawless, which will have its world premiere here Saturday night. Starring Shia Labeouf, Tom Hardy, Jason Clarke, Guy Pearce, Jessica Chastain and Mia Wasikowska the film is inspired by the true-life stories of Matt Bpondurant’s own family in his novel, The Wettest County in the World and adapted for the screen by rocker Nick Cave. Lawless centers on the Bondurant brothers, gangsters who sought success bootlegging in Prohibition-era Virginia.
In Cannes to push the feature which will be released by The Weinstein Company in the U.S. late summer, Hillcoat sounded off on the arduous undertaking of film that is story-driven and not reliant solely on gimmickry. Without mentioning any specific examples, he lamented that the business of motion pictures has crowded out filmmakers who use plot as a vehicle for entertainment. “I’m interested in stories in America and Australia or anywhere really, but the state of this is pretty tough now,” he said. “My world [of filmmaking] is medium budgets with characters and story. Those are not words you can use right now in the U.S. unfortunately.”
The director of The Road (2009) and The Proposition (2005) and a host of music videos ranging from Siouxsie and the Banshees, Bush, Depeche Mode as well as Nick Cave said there is one medium that dominates storytelling, at least in America. “Television has picked up characters and drama,” he said. “Hopefully this will filter back into films once again.”
Though his story is set against Depression-era Appalachia,…
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I mean, of all the things bringing down that Oscar intro, Twitter jumped on this? “‘I am 100 percent certain that my father is smiling. [...] Billy previously played my father when he was alive, and my father gave Billy his full blessing,’ she continues, noting that Saturday Night Live gave the imitation ‘legendary status.’ [... Tracey] Davis, now 50, does however take issue with using the word ‘blackface,’ attributing the term born in the 1800s to describe white actors in makeup playing black characters, to early film stars such as Al Jolson, not Crystal, per se.” [THR]
It only took about 20 years from conception to writing to development to shooting to the most notoriously protracted post-production saga in recent memory, but Kenneth Lonergan’s embattled epic Margaret finally had the festival premiere it deserved Saturday night in Manhattan.
In its own way, even that event was chronologically vexed. The special screening — part of the Film Society of Lincoln Center’s annual Film Comment Selects series — came a few months after distributor Fox Searchlight gave the tale of an Upper West Side teenager transformed by her role in a fatal bus accident the most cursory release possible: One week in Los Angeles and New York, then out of theaters entirely before a critical groundswell rallied on its behalf in the heart of awards season. The campaign yielded the occasional fruit — Best Actress consideration for leading lady Anna Paquin here, Best Supporting Actress consideration for Jeannie Berlin there — but more than anything, it spotlighted Margaret’s breathtaking range of fascinations and flaws, a spectrum stretched over the film’s contractually mandated 150-minute running time (pared down from a rumored maximum of four hours) and a six-year behind-the-scenes drama that was once said to involve as many lawyers as it had editors.
On Saturday, though, Lonergan — accompanied onstage afterward by lead editor Anne McCabe and every available cast member including Jean Reno, J. Smith-Cameron (pictured above with Lonergan) and Lonergan’s best friend (and eventual post-production patron) Mathew Broderick — had no intention of dwelling on Margaret’s tortured route to the screen. Not that Film Comment editor Gavin Smith didn’t give the writer-director his best shot, asking Lonergan to recount Margaret’s evolution from a 167-page script to the film we saw Saturday…
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It’s not exactly new news that Katharine Hepburn allegedly scissored her timbers off back in the day. It was written in a couple of books, it’s been in a few not-so-blind items and legend has it that Katharine would regularly put on a flannel shirt to shop at Ace Hardware (the original Home Depot) on Saturday afternoon. And at the launch party in L.A. for Scotty Bowers’ book about the sex lives of stars, Gore Vidal told everyone that his friend Scotty is a 100% truth teller and he knows for a fact that Katharine tickled her coochie on lady tongue after lady tongue. The ESCANDALOSONESS (not really) from Page Six (via Queerty):
He vouched for Bowers, whose memoir reveals Hollywood’s sexual secrets from his work as a gigolo to tales about iconic actors. The revelations include Bowers’ claims to have set Katharine Hepburn up with “over 150 different women,” along with stories about Spencer Tracy, Cole Porter — even orgies involving the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. Vidal told guests he’s never caught Bowers in a lie in the 60-plus years he’s known him in a town “where you can meet 1,000 liars a day.”
Katharine Hepburn is a four-time Oscar winner, a legend among legends and some hos might say she’s one of the greatest actors of all-time, but if I was her, I’d say that my finest achievement was humping my way to the title of Old Hollywood’s biggest lesbian (or bi-sexual) slut. Love her even more.
KISSYFUR!!!! Yes, that bitch’s name really was Kissyfur and of course, he came from the magical world of foolery known as the 1980s.
Kissyfur (try to tell me that your whole body doesn’t pucker every time you read his name) was the star of his very own self-titled cartoon show that played on Saturday mornings, or Sunday mornings, or maybe it was on weekday afternoons. I don’t remember. But I do remember that Kissyfur started out kind of dark for a 1980s cartoon. Kissyfur, his daddy bear and his mama bear were all circus performers. When his mama bear tragically died, Kissyfur and his dad no longer had the passion for circus performing anymore. So one day, when the circus train derailed, Kissyfur and his daddy bear made their escape. They ended up in a swamp town and started a new life. Shit was fucked up. They made new friends and new enemies including two bitch ass crocodiles named Jolene and Floyd. Kissyfur was also one of the original #itgetsbetter bears, because he had a bully who called him a sissy face all the time.
That bunny hugging on his ass was his friend Beehonie and she was always try to get on him. Beehonie is perfect Hot Slut material, but Kissyfur won today for 4 very important reasons:
1: His name is Kissyfur.
2. His name is Kissyfur.
3. His name is Kissyfur.
4. HIS NAME IS KISSYFUR!!! That sounds like the sweeter and more G-rated phrase for tossing a bear’s salad. That also sounds like the name of Jennifer Aniston’s first born. Kissyfur Aniston does have a special ring to it.
I almost titled this “You Can’t Keep A Good Bump Down,” but I am trying hard (and failing, obviously) to not use the bump word to describe the fetus super dome of knocked up ladies. Remember in the good ole’ days when hearing the word “bump” made your nostrils salivate as you ran to the men’s bathroom of some club to get a quick snort of some gross shit that’s used to put cats to sleep? Now hearing the word “bump” makes you think of babies kicking in wombs and shit. Cokeheads and tweekers need to take the word back from the BABIES!!! The babies take everything. I swear, even the word “bump” has gotten the Disney treatment. I blame Rudy Julie Annie (it’s Saturday, I’m not about to Google the correct spelling).
Anyway, here’s Beyonce in NYC throwing a fake Texas pageant smile at all the speculating hos who are sniffing at her stomach to see if it smells like burnt goose down feathers and rubber. Wait. Maybe that’s not a fake Texas pageant smile, maybe that’s a pregnancy fart smile. Which leads me to this wonderful butt jewel I found on Yahoo! Answers while researching pregnancy farts (“I am so proud of you!” – my mom):
“I have gas bad all the time and when I let out a big airy fart it feels sooo good!
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