Most of us mere mortals eat the ground with our hands when we try to walk in a pair of exquisitely crafted lucite platform stilts, but Shauna Sand isn’t a mere mortal and she has proven this time and time again by floating on sand, making a Segway her chariot and taming a wild bike in Miami. The Empress of Lucite did it again yesterday in Venice, CA when she gave us something out of Goddesses Got Talent by riding another bike in a pair of colored lucite heels that will be put into a time capsule on the eve of the apocalypse so future civilizations will see that our people had impeccable fashion sense.
Shauna and her topless piece rode through the streets of Venice while her subjects wished that they were born as a seat on a rented bike. Actually, I’m not even sure if Shauna is sitting on a seat. She probably ripped the seat off and sat directly on the metal post since that’s how real fine ladies do it.
You know for some reason, I have seen so many unicorn on a unicycle tattoos. Either I attract tricks with unicorn on a unicycle tattoos or it’s the other way around, but I’ve been seen like three. And I’ll be seriously disappointed with those three tricks if they aren’t getting their unicorn on a unicycle tattoos lasered off right now so they can replace that shit with a Shauna Sand on a bike tattoo. Because a Shauna Sand on a bike tattoo is way more magical.
No, this is not another post about Pet Monster.
Snooki still has a pickleling growing in her vodka chamber called a womb and she’s still wearing sky high death shoes (okay, I know those platforms are like 4 inches tall, but that’s half of Snooki’s total heigh, so they’re totally sky high to her).
While looking like a mutant pineapple, Snooki strolled through Seaside Heights, NJ the other day and nearly smashed her unborn baby when she tripped on her own stupidity and went down. Dumb bitch. I know Snooki is used to being on her knees with her mouth open in public, but wait until your poor baby is born first, bitch! Damn. That poor child is going to be raised by two Gorilla dingles, will have to wear Affliction onesies, will have to sleep in a tanning bed cradle, will probably be born with cirrhosis of the liver and now he has to worry about getting a concussion?
Snooki ALWAYS needs to have a seat, but this time she really needs to have a seat.
Kathy Proctor, the lady at last night’s Snooze of the Union address who let the two people around her know that there was a STAR among them.
As the hairs on the back of Obama’s head singed from being so close to two human tanning beds in suits, he talked about a mother of two and furniture industry employee who is getting her degree in biotechnology and earned her PhD in thatsmeology last night. When Obama started talking about her, Kathy subtly and repeatedly dropped a quiet “that’s me” into the ears of her seat neighbors and the lady seat neighbor next to her subtly threw an “I know she’s not about to tell me that’s her… Oh yeah, she is” side-eye.
If the president was talking about my ass on live TV, fuck yeah I’d do what Kathy did. But I’d be a little more discreet about it. I’d wear a spandex bodysuit with THAT’S ME written in Christmas lights on my chest and as soon as he started talking about me, I’d make it light up with the touch of a button. But obviously, I’m a little more demure than Kathy.
And we can make fun of Kathy all we want, but we all know who she is now, right? So whenever somebody is talking about a furniture industry employee who is getting her degree in biotechnology, we will all shout out: THAT’S KATHY!
via Daily Show (For Brian)
Bridesmaids — arguably the best all-female ensemble comedy since E!’s original Kourtney and Khloe Take Level-One Second City Courses — was a smash over the weekend. And no one knows that better than director Paul Feig and co-star Melissa McCarthy, who stood outside a theater this weekend waiting for a seat. And waiting.
In an interview with Vulture, Feig and McCarthy admit they had a hard time getting into their own cineplex triumph.
What were you doing this weekend when Bridesmaids opened? Were you breathlessly watching box-office reports?
bq.Feig: We actually had dinner Saturday night, the night that was kind of our do-or-die night, and, um, we had gotten reports that it was going well Friday, but then Saturday we weren’t sure. So when we were eating dinner, I actually got an e-mail that said we were up 40 percent from Friday and were kind of a bona fide hit. So we celebrated. We went to the theater, couldn’t get in because it was sold out, so stood on the side and watched people enjoy it. So it was nice.
They let you in to stand?
bq. Feig: Yeah. You have a thing where you can say, “I’m the director and she’s in the cast,” they’ll let you in for five minutes.
Don’t you know who I am?
bq. Feig: Yeah, right. Exactly: “Hey you … ” It’s Hollywood.
bq. McCarthy: It’s such an incredible thing, they’re like, “There are no seats.” We’re like, “Lovely.” I’ve never been so happy to not get a seat at the theater in my life.
You know who else is lovely? Melissa McCarthy. I met her and you can trust me. How about that?
· Paul Feig and Melissa McCarthy Celebrated ‘Bridesmaids’ with High-Fives and Boozing
[Vulture]
The hat that looks like two bitchy sperm fishes fighting about who gets to fertilize the egg is heading for eBay! The Original Fergie tells Oprah (in an interview airing today) that her daughter Princess Bea is donating the Philip Treacy-designed fascinator (drop the “f” and that’s my fantasy bath house nickname) she wore to the Royal Wedding to charity. The Aretha Franklin hat of 2011 can be yours! From People:
“She’s putting it up on eBay to auction it for UNICEF and for children in crisis,” Beatrice’s mother, Duchess Sarah Ferguson, announced Wednesday during an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show.
No, UNICEF does not stand for: Urstruly Needs Immediate Cash Endorsements Forreal. And I don’t think Fergie’s nickname for her offshore account is “children.” I think she’s really donating it to charity!
In the same interview, Fergie said that she went to Thailand during the Royal Wedding, because she sad that she wasn’t invited. Fergie said that she understood that her con man ways cost her an invitation, but she was still sad, “It was so difficult. Because I wanted to be there with my girls and to — and to be getting them dressed and to go as a family.”
Well, the molded vomit mess on Princess Bea’s head made all of us rolls our eyes and laugh to keep from heaving, so it was just like Fergie herself was there top of her daughter’s head!
If you’re a teenage blonde porn star who isn’t allergic to cats, can’t pronounce the word “losing” and have the tolerance of a methadone clinic worker when it comes to crazed rants, Charlie Sheen has just the position for you! The “es” from “goddesses” has quit this bitch now that Bree Olson (government name: Rachel Marie Oberlin) has become a refuge goddess by fleeing from Charlie’s octagon for saner pastures. Charlie didn’t give say what was on Bree’s resignation letter, but I’m guessing she realized that being a crack whore is a lot more fun than being a member of the warlock harem. I mean, a bitch can only take so much “winning” before she starts to lose.it. Duh buh bye.
Charlie’s mission to win the world with his non-existent superhero powers will continue on without Goddess Bree! Charlie tells Access Hollywood that he’s going to join forces with Sean Penn and bring his aftershock of crack damaged fuckery to Haiti very soon. Charlie said, “We’re going to do a couple things first and then it looks like we’re heading down [to Haiti]. I’m excited as hell because, you know, if I can bring the attention of the world down there, then clearly this tsunami keeps cresting!“
Instead of echoing the voices of the Haitian people by screaming, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”, Sean Penn tells
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