Okay, not really, but I know what will make you sluts sit up and take notice! If I had written “Signing Off” or some lame shit like that, you would have yawned, farted, scratched your ass and continued eating nachos in yesterday’s t-shirt. Or maybe that’s just me and I’m giving away too much personal information.
Anygettothefuckingpointsweetas, I just wanted to say thanks to Michael K’s Wild Kingdom for allowing him a little break and for choking down my unsalted cracker posts for a week. King MK will be back soon, sporting his beautiful bedazzled tin-foil and garland crown and pink-ribboned Princess Barbie scepter and showing the blogosphere how shit is done RIGHT.
Seriously, I had SO much fun and was proud to be in the company of J. Harvey and Lahoma, both of whom I would love to see next time Michael takes a well-deserved vacation. Now it’s time to say goodbye, and go back to my basement desk and 10-key (glamorous, I know) and flask hidden in the top drawer so I can stomach my real life job. Thank you again, and now I’m off to work on welcoming 2012 with a scorching hangover, missing underwear and no recollection of the nights events (Godsend, that guy looked like a cracked-out Gollum and had a micro-peen) like the rest of you beautiful people. Sweetas OUT!
Image by lancastria.net
My fingers are practically numb with shock so I’ll let Demi Moore knock the breath out of your being by giving you the news that has caused the CDC to issue a high alert now that Ashton Kutcher (the one wearing a huge black fur tampon cap in the picture above) is finally free to bareback as many hos as he wants out in the open.
“It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that I have decided to end my six-year marriage to Ashton. As a woman, a mother and a wife there are certain values and vows that I hold sacred, and it is in this spirit that I have chosen to move forward with my life.
This is a trying time for me and my family, and so I would ask for the same compassion and privacy that you would give to anyone going through a similar situation.”
Well, there comes a time in every mother’s life when she has to let her child go out into the world by himself, so this makes sense.
But somehow this statement from Demi feels empty without a picture of her posing in her divorcin’ bikini in front of her bathroom mirror. And I think what she really meant to say is: This is what my stupid ass gets for marrying the douchehole from Punk’d.
UPDATE: Ashton said this eye roll-inducing shit on Twitter: “Marriage is one of the most difficult things in the world and unfortunately sometimes they fail. Love and Light, AK” Every time an asshole signs off with “love and light,” hate and darkness eats a kitten.
via People
As soon as you tag this picture with “This Is Our Future, Part I Lost Track Because It’s Hard To Count While Weeping” and file it under “RIP Humanity,” please contact Child Protective Services. The parents of these children must be arrested for allowing their own to buy this generation’s Mein Kampf. Now that we’ve gotten that business out of the way….
Pimp Mama Kris further proved that the dead organ in her chest is made from the worst stuff in Hell last week when she whored out her new memoirs by talking about the chapters that she devotes to her supposed friend Nicole Brown Simpson. Kris summoned a wave of eye rolls when she claimed that Nicole let out a subtle cry for help during a phone call the two had the day of the murder. Kris also wrote in her book that Nicole told her about a safe deposit box where she kept all the evidence of the abuse she suffered at the hand of OJ. Kris’ version of the story is that after the murder, Nicole’s sister Denise Brown asked her about the safe deposit box. Denise’s version of the story is that Kris is completely stuffed with shit and is a satanic whore monster for trying to beat coins out of her dead sister’s grave. We’ve all seen crucifixes turn and fall off the wall when
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Lindsay Lohan can’t get into a movie after-party without promising the bouncer a sloppy handjob and a nut tickle behind the dumpster in the alleyway of the bar, but she still gets VIP treatment at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood, CA. Leave it to the jail house to treat LiLo like that huge bright shining A-list criminal that she truly is. LiLo turned herself into jail at around 9pm last night to serve the 30-day sentence Judge Stephanie threw at her for violating her probation, and White Oprah has spent more time suffering through the whiskey shits on a toilet in the bathroom of a T.G.I. Friday’s than her main money-making whore spent in jail last night.
People reports that LiLo checked in at 8:48pm and was checked out 1:30am. The Sheriff only said, “All I can tell you is that she was already released.“
Well, all I can tell you is that LiLo sashayed into the jail house, double air kissed all of her friends, made her way to the cell suite that is named after her, signed the wall of fame in there, answered a few responses from her personal ad on Meet-An-Inmate.com, and just when she was about to reflect on the hood rat stuff that put her in there, she found an Adderall that she must’ve dropped the last time she was in there. She crushed it up and snorted it off the toilet.
I really hope Tommy Lee Jones was waiting for LiLo as she left jail, because how oh how is she going to readjust to life on the outside?!
