Here’s the modern goddess of class Paz de la Huerta displaying every ingredient needed to create a perfect portrait of refined grace. Half a dozen people in Miami now know what it was like watching Michelangelo paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. They watched the greatest living performance artist create her latest masterpiece in a public parking lot in Miami Beach, FL. While not letting go of her cigarette, Spaz changed out of her bikini and into a black bra and a skirt. Minutes before this, Spaz used a public bathroom, so she could’ve changed in there, but decided to give the people some much-needed culture instead.
Everything about this is perfect from Spaz’s freshly fucked hair to the rosary around her neck to the lit cigarette dangling from her hand to the birth control patch on her butt cheek to the way her ass looks like a weathered plaster sculpture from the 18th century. Spaz looks like she just crawled out of a trash can on the beach after spending the night in there. What I’m saying is that Spaz has never looked more gorgeous.
If you need to know what the nipples on a freshly bloomed bloated flower look like, hold your breath and then (NSFW) click here and here. Miami Beach can go ahead and cancel Art Basel, because no work of art can top this.
I know you’ve been wondering what certified beautiful wreck Spaz de la Huerta has been up to ever since she was evicted from Boardwalk Empire, so here you go. Same shit, different camera (specifically, Terry Richardson’s NSFW camera).
Oh you know, Spaz has been making out with old lipstick, pouting, airing her nipple slits out in public, pouting, airing her belly button slit out in public, making fun of ducks by….pouting, pouting, scratching her culo on a palm tree like the wild creature she is, pouting, going to the ER after she cut her ass lips on that palm tree, pouting and pouting some more while sitting on the toilet because it stings when she cacas thanks to the anal fissure she gave herself from rubbing her ass on that palm tree!
I will never forgive myself for letting the stupid Oscars suck up most of my day when I should’ve been focused on more important things in the world like these stunning portraits of the naturally gorgeous Pamela Anderson. These pictures of Pamela at a Terry Richardson party in L.A. are from the far away past that was Friday night, but it’s never too late to share brows, lashes, lip liner and lusciousness like this with you.
Pamela looks like she just got her make-up done by a former chola turned beauty school student at a cosmetics stand in Santee Alley. Every man, woman and child needs to take notes, because if you’re going to find beauty in a tube of lip liner, this is how it’s done. If you don’t end up looking like a half-melted and cholafied Old Navy mannequin, you’re doing it wrong. Pamela should have one of those QR codes on her, so hos can scan her and find out exactly which products from the Wet ‘N Wild section at Rite Aid she uses. The chola porn star look is so NOW.
Terry’s party must have been BYOB (bring your own beauty), because not only was Pamela there but some dude carried in glamour tornado Spaz de la Huerta. Don’t these pictures of that dude carrying Spaz’s messy ass across the red carpet remind you of the scene in Cleopatra where man slaves carry Elizabeth Taylor on a throne? Such regalness.
Bitches who said that one of the original first ladies of crazy, Sean Young, can’t even get arrested in Hollywood are gargling and swallowing their words this morning, because the insane bitch who paved the way for fellow crazies like Spaz de la Huerta was thrown into handcuffs after she brought the insanity on a security guard at the official Oscars after party last night.
TMZ says that after the Oscars, Sean hung around the entrance to the Governors Ball with a group of friends. Apparently, Sean didn’t have a ticket to get in and was trying to crash that shit. The security guard knew that Sean was trying to be slick and slip in, so he kept telling her to try the after-party at the IHOP on Santa Monica instead. You can’t keep a crazy bitch away for long and Sean kept trying to get in. The security guard finally had enough of her shameless trying and the two got into it. The security guard says that Sean slapped him in the face and that’s when he busted a CITIZEN’S ARREST on his ass. Sean was taken to a police station in Hollywood where she was kept for four hours.
TMZ has a video of Sean leaving the police station at 2 in the morning and the smell of teeth dust will hit your nostrils as soon
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You know how sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night with a heavy feeling of regret sitting at the pit of your stomach? Usually that feeling of regret has a lot do with the piece of Oreo pie you swallowed before bedtime, but when the producers of Boardwalk Empire wake up with that feeling tomorrow it will have everything to do with letting go of the most glamorous thing that has ever happened to their show. TVLine reports that Spaz de la Huerta is Spaz de la Muerte to the producers of Boardwalk Empire, because they have decided to not pick up her contract option for season 3. This is a direct slap to lip liner, which is a direct slap to beauty, which is a direct slap to us all!
Spaz’s character ran away in the middle of season 2, but there was some hope that she’d return in all her glory. But a source type says that Spaz is heading directly for the exit door along with Michael Pitt, Dabney Coleman and Aleksa Palladino (SPOILER ALERT: They were all killed off during the season 2 finale.)
TVLine doesn’t have any details as to why Boardwalk Empire evicted Spaz, but I’m sure that in a few days some “inside source” will say that she was difficult to work with. Spaz, difficult? That’s a
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My mom asked me the other day if I was watching Revenge (which you should always pronounce as RUUUUH-VEEEENGE while making wide Norma Desmond eyes), and I told her that I was behind 3 episodes since its priority ranks way below my current soul fillers of choice The A-List: Dallas and Love & Hip Hop. So instead of doing the correct thing by softly weeping about how she can’t believe she raised such a garbage disposal tramp who eats up trash by the pound, she goes, “Oh, so you didn’t see it when so-and-so found out that so-and-so was a this-and-that? I couldn’t believe it!” So yeah, just like my mom, Spaz de la Huerta should import the phrase “SPOILER ALERT” into her lexicon, because she spilled way too much information on the Boardwalk Empire season finale at a party the other night.
Page Six says that Spaz, who truly always looks like she’s always having an awake abortion, was approached by a guest and asked if she could tell them anything about the season finale. (SPOILER ALERT) The drunk face that launches a thousand side-eyes opened its mouth and told the guest that her character’s baby dies. Apparently, that’s more than the party guest wanted to hear.
For real, though, I doubt that even happens in the finale if it came from Spaz’s tongue. Spaz is forever
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There’s a really good reason for why I keep a piece of Sizzler’s heart attack toast (aka what Paula Deen serves at communion) wrapped in my paper napkin until after I’ve stuck my mouth hole under the ice cream spout, because you should always save the best shit for a palate cleanser. And that is why I’m ending my Emmy coverage with the best grand finale possible: SPAZ DE LA HUERTA! Spaz is just like Sizzler’s cheese toast. Well, more like a digested piece of Sizzler’s cheese toast found inside of a corpse by a coroner during an early morning autopsy. Stunning.
The vodka sponge in Spaz’s head must have forgotten about which cable show she’s on, because her face came out in full support of The Walking Dead. I would say that Spaz should’ve finished off the look with leaves in her hair, a body bag cape and a toe tag, but she’s a demure beauty who would never give us too much look.
Spaz also answered two very important questions that I know have been on your mind. When she puckered those lips (slathered in a lipstick shade called “Zombie Jizz“) she answered the question: “What does a Chinese Crested’s swollen anal glands look like?” And she also answered the question: “Do drunk zombies spray tan?“
It’s okay to admit that Spaz’s beauty has turned you into a full-on necrophiliac.
Since I like to think of myself as an evolving chameleon whose tastes are always changing (see: ten thousand annoying daily posts on Anderson Cooper, Prince Hot Ginge, Phoebe Price, Shauna Sand and man nipples for the last 6 years straight), it might be time to let go of exquisite eyebrow situations and let them fly so I can devote all of my everything to the newest comeback bitch on the scene: CHOLA LIP LINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the reigning queen of the chola lip liner movement is definitely the bow-legged drunk swan Spaz de la Huerta!
At the season 2 premiere of Boardwalk Empire in NYC last night, Spaz slathered her lips in a dim shade of lipstick (I think it’s called “Morning Abortion“) and let her liner (in shade “Cheek Hickey“) be the star of her face. Spaz naturally looks like she’s trying to hold back a barf ball in her throat, but that perfectly-applied lip liner makes it look like she just vommed up massive amounts of glamour and elegance.
All of you aspiring beauties out there need to take note and head directly to the Wet ‘N Wild section at Walgreens. What woman wouldn’t want to look like she had lips full of burgundy paint at the beginning of the night but left most of it on the plastic cup of boxed rosé she
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Full Story »It’s a little known fact that the kitchen grease orchid Spaz de la Huerta is a master at crotch acting and teaches a class at Juilliard to aspiring crotch thespians who want to learn how to deliver a raw emotion performance from the top of their pussy bones to the tip of their taints.
Spaz can transform her crotch into a mysterious character with a merkin the same way Meryl Streep can transform her voice with an accent. Spaz can smile with her crotch (smotching) the same way Ty Ty Banks tries to smile with her eyes. Spaz’s chocha can queef out Atticus’ court monologue from To Kill A Mockingbird with such subtle force that it makes Angel Gregory Peck cry a single tear. True story: Spaz’s crotch turned down the lead role in The Wrestler. Mickey Rourke can thank Spaz’s crotch by sending it a basket of clitty balm.
So because of all of this, Agent Provocateur knew that there was only one crotch for their new ad campaign. Just watch the video above and hold your breath (and your applause) as you see her Laurence Olivicrotch switch from emotion to emotion. Paz’s pussy is theater!
via ONTD
Cancel all your plans tonight (e.g. figuring out how to grow weed seeds on a Chia Pet and coming up with a way to ferment your tears), because you must take a field trip into the dark part of your closet.
Because you’re going to need to fish out your Dee Lite bell bottoms (they’re next to your box of velvet chokers and right over your Doc Marten Mary Janes) now that the fashion icon of the halfway house Spaz de la Huerta has let it be known that fall is all about airing your ankles out. Just make sure to accessorize them with patent vagina shoes and permanent period face like Spaz haz!
