After spending your late night drunkenly twisting in front of a webcam while trying to recreate that Zoo Bee Zoo Bebe Zahara Benet shit from Mad Men, your legs are probably as sore as a twisted nipple. If you’re the Empress of Scientology, Suri Cruise, all you had to do was use your telekinetic powers to ring the Baccarat crystal bell next to your princess bed and Stepford Katie would immediately gallop to whisk you off to wherever you want to go.
Suri has a mother whose soul has been replaced with Talking Tina parts and a father who makes bat shit look sane, but besides that she really does have it all. Suri has her own golden geese farm, a closet full of custom-made diamond dust flats and she never EVER has to touch the sidewalk for the rest of her life. You’d think that Katie would have Madge-like biceps by now, because when she’s not carrying Suri around, she carries Tommy Girl around whenever he can’t walk due to a sprained prostate.
Here’s more of human chariot Stepford Katie carrying 5-year-old Suri to their apartment in NYC last night. This is like Footprints in the Sand as rewritten by Veruca Salt.
So the Annie remake is happening. Will Smith is producing it. Willow Smith is going to star in that mess. Your childhood might have fleas in its eyes from weeping into the back of the neck of a mangy alley dog. Get ready to weep some more, because Willow says that she really wants Brad Pitt to adopt her ass onscreen and play Daddy Warbucks. Willow really needs to stop whipping her hair, because her train of thought derailed and crashed right into Fuckeryville. From Access Hollywood:
Access Hollywood asked 10-year-old Willow – star of the upcoming remake – who she wants to play Oliver “Daddy” Warbucks and she’s hoping “the sun will come out tomorrow” on one of Hollywood’s biggest stars.
“Brad Pitt!” she told Access at Justin Bieber’s “Never Say Never” premiere on Monday night in Los Angeles.
As for details on the project, which dad Will Smith is producing with Jay-Z and Sony Pictures, the young star stayed tight-lipped.
“We’re just going to have to wait for that! You’re just going to have to wait,” she said.
As I’ve said before, the original Annie sucks, but still. Brad Pitt?! I really hope Willow is thinking Brad Pitt as Benjamin Button as Daddy Warbucks. Now, that shit I’d see. Better yet, they should just do the nepotism version and cast Shiloh as Daddy Warbucks, Suri Cruise as Miss Hannigan, and Kingston Rossdale as Rooster! It’s where Hollywood is going anyway. “The sun will come out tomorrooooooow…and if it doesn’t my daddy will fucking buy me a new one!“
Dressed like a weak-handed day-shift dominatrix forced to supplement her income by selling Mary Kay to the old ladies at the retirement community she illegally lives in, Nicole Kidman showed up to the NYC premiere of her movie Just Go With It with her frosty headed husband Keith Urban. (Thank the hell for Keith, because somebody has to keep Sun-In in business!).
Nicole Kidman wore more leather than a Scientology dungeon party hosted by John Travolta. You can send in your complaints to 2-year-old Sunday Rose, because she picks out all of Nicole’s outfits. Nicole said this mess to UsWeekly at the Oscar nominee luncheon on Monday.
“She chooses what she calls ‘pretty dresses,’ so she has a very strong voice in terms of what I will be wearing on the night of the Oscars. Fingers crossed, guys — I could be wearing a tutu!”
Did Nicole miss a few pieces when she pulled out the microchip Tommy Girl implanted into the back of her neck on their wedding day? Because that sounds like a quote TG would type into the iPhone app that controls Stepford Katie’s speech. Nicole better keep a jammer between her ass cheeks at all times so this doesn’t happen again.
Even though Nicole was probably telling jokes, I hope she isn’t. Because then it won’t be long before Sunday Rose and Suri Cruise are announced as the new co-hosts of What Not To Wear.
Last night in Prague, Suri Cruise decided to use up her 100-steps-a-day quota by walking from the restaurant to the hotel. About 20 steps into it, Suri once again realized that walking on the ground in flats is for losers, so she snapped her fingers, jumped into Tommy Girl’s arms and instructed her slave mom to carry her stroller the rest of the way.
I would not be surprised if we’re looking at the exact same scene in 30 years. A 34-year-old Suri will be wearing the same outfit while Tommy Girl carries her through the streets.
Stepford Katie tells New York Magazine that 4-year-old Suri Cruise will probably replace Tim Gunn as the mentor on Project Runway next season, because she isn’t afraid to give you the up and down if you’re dressed like fug shit.
“I grew up the youngest of five, so there were a lot of hand-me-downs that I would sort of change up. And Suri and I do that now with her clothes. Or rather, she does it. She says, ‘I want this sleeve cut,’ and it’s like, ‘Okay, we’ll cut it.’ She picks out all of her own clothes and has since she was 1½. Tom and I went to the Met ball a couple of years ago, and I had this beautiful red gown and these royal-blue shoes that I wasn’t planning on wearing, but Suri made me put them on and so I was like, ‘Okay, I trust you.’
But seriously, Suri needs to take classes at Parsons or some shit, because Katie always looks like….well…like she’s been dressed by a toddler. Unless Suri dresses her like that on purpose just to fuck with her. That’s probably the case. Suri is only around those two ass drips all day, so she has to entertain herself somehow.
And Stepford Katie also confirmed that Suri’s the one holding the whip in that family.
“We have quite a schedule, you know? We don’t say, ‘When I’m working, you don’t work,’ or anything like that. Last year he was shooting Knight and Day and I was shooting The Romantics, and we’d just fly to see each other after we wrapped. And we homeschool Suri–she has a teacher
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Jared Leto is turning “fighting the hot” into an art form – Just Jared
These LeAnn Rimes bikini pictures will make you squint as hard as she is - Egotastic!
Vadge is still slowly sucking the youth of Baby Jesus. And right in front of Jay-Z! – Lainey Gossip
The answers to a shit load of blind items (Example: Barry Zito eats his own dick leche) – CDAN
Suri Cruise could beat all those amateurs – Towleroad
JWoww’s line of ho shit wear for all the day-shift hookers and strippers out there – Hollywood Rag
Who in the name of all things nasty would eat a rhino horn? Well, apparently Elle Macpherson has and does – Celebitchy
CoCo is just a refined lady who lunches – ICYDK
RPattz and Reese Witherspoon kissing on set. I don’t think I need to say it, but I still will: “Reese, you in danger, girl” – Popsugar
And Goldie Hawn will simply call him “Boyfriend #123,657” – I’m Not Obsessed
Pam from The Office got married in real life – Popbytes
Heather Mills finally gets some action – Holy Moly!
Gay Fish must have released Amber Rose from her contract, because now she’s trying to get a job as Reggie Bush’s main piece – Necole Bitchie
