As Will Ferrell accepted his Comedic Genius Golden Popcorn Award at last night’s MTV Movie Awards, Aubrey Plaza from Parks & Recreation pulled a lukewarm Kanye West when she crashed the stage and awkwardly tried to snatch away Will’s golden dingle trophy. Will didn’t give it up, so she went back to her seat, sat down and dropped her plastic cup of the sweet nectar on the floor. The only good thing to come out of this totally staged stunt is the “Why the fuck did I agree to this stupid shit, I could be at home watching myself on TV” side-eye that Peter Dinklage threw.
MTV News says that Aubrey’s awkward stage crash wasn’t planned and the producers of the show asked her to leave right afterward. Will co-signed MTV News’ statement backstage and said that he really had no idea what was going on.
“I think she wanted to tell me something important, but there was no message. It was just a lot of hot liquor breath. And, then, and a little bit of sweat. And then she ran away. But the ship sailed on.”
MTV needs to pull all of our dicks harder, because there’s no way that mess wasn’t completely choreographed from beginning to end. First of all, they put Aubrey Plaza in the front row. Second of all, she wrote the name of her new movie on her chest. Third of all, everyone is saying that Aubrey Plaza looked ten sheets to the wind,
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The place to be on Saturday morning was in front of Bungalo Bar on Mississippi Avenue in Portland, because Beth Ditto of The Gossip was out on the street drunkenly declaring her love for Obama while kicking her shoes off. Somewhere Beyonce is pfft-ing at all of this, because not a day goes by when she isn’t drunkenly declaring her love for Obama while ripping her wig off.
Willamette Week (via Kelly Green Blog) says that around 1am on Saturday, Beth Ditto was turning it loose at Bungalo Bar and she wanted to fill her veins with more drops of the sweet nectar when the bartender said the five dreaded words every party time bitch hates to hear: “You is cut off, slut!” Beth didn’t let that slow her roll down. She walked out of the bar, kicked off her shoes and sashayed into the middle of the street while screaming, “Obama! Obama!” Beth’s friends were trying to get her into the car when the cops showed up and ruined the party.
The cops were already down the street arresting some dude for tagging a wall, so they saw Beth screaming in the middle of the street. They arrested her and charged her with second-degree disorderly conduct.
If anybody deserved to be arrested, it was those cops. How unpatriotic of them to arrest a drunken ho who is doing some belated
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The pigeon from Amour!
So I went to see the feel good movie of the year Amour last night and if you haven’t seen it and are planning to see, just do what I did: see at a movie theater that serves lots of booze. If you can find a theater that has a wine tap right next to your seat so you can just guzzle down the sweet nectar non-stop, even better! I read a ton of reviews when Amour came out in the US and I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I sat down in that theater chair, but it was still painful to watch and I couldn’t have gotten through it without my best friend Pinot Noir (or Penis Yarn as I like to call him) by my side. Afterward as we were all walking out of the theater, some arty chick behind me said to her friend, “What a beautiful depiction of love,” or something like that. While she was thinking positive thoughts, I was busy wishing that a tsunami of extra-strength Prozac pills would hit my mouth.
Anyway, during the movie, a really hot, scene-stealing pigeon makes a cameo appearance. The pigeon was obviously there for symbolism purposes, but my ass was just happy to see a dumb ass, attention whoring pigeon act like an attention whoring pigeon. Pigeons always have to invade
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The “personal life” section of Mindy McCready’s Wikipedia page reads like the plots of ten Lifetime movies. If you took the most fucked up parts of Britney Spears’ breakdown and the most fucked up parts of Lindsay Lohan’s life and mashed them together, you’d have Mindy McCready’s life. Mindy’s ex-boyfriend tried to choke her to death, she’s tried to kill herself several times (including once when she was pregnant), she’s overdosed at least three times that we know of, she’s been on Celebrity Rehab, she kidnapped her son during a custody battle and the father of her second child died of a gunshot wound last month. Mindy says that her boyfriend David Wilson shot himself, but there’s a rumor that the police aren’t sure and are investing her over his death. Mindy denied that she killed him and here we are now…
E! News says that Mindy’s family went to court yesterday and asked a judge to commit her to a treatment facility for alcohol abuse and mental health issues. The judge did commit Mindy for 21 days and the Department of Human Services took her two young sons, 6-year-old Zander and 9-month-old Zayne, out of her home in Arkansas. During the hearing, Mindy admitted that she dealt with David’s death by drowning her sorrows in the sweet nectar a little too much. A source told E!, “Mindy
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Simon, the 6-month-old Labrador hero who dramatically rescued (not really) and saved the life of an 8-week-old foster puppy by teaching her how to go down the stairs. If it wasn’t for Simon, Daisy the puppy would still be stuck up there and she’d be there forever. If Simon wasn’t there, Daisy would never know what life is like at the bottom of the stairs. Everybody needs a Simon in their life. When guzzling gallons of the sweet nectar makes you forget how to work a flight of stairs, let Simon show you the way!
via Boing Boing (For Katherine & Mike)
TMZ, Radar and UsWeekly all have different stories for why Lindsay Lohan punched Tiffany Eve Mitchell (Side note: I just knew her name was going to be Tiffany or Crystal.) at Avenue in NYC early this morning.
UsWeekly says that LiLo bopped a bitch in the face, because she wanted to sit in the VIP section and Tiffany’s purse and coat were in the way. They got into a fight after Tiffany refused to move her stuff. The old LiLo would’ve stolen that purse and coat and traded them in for a baggie of the bad shit, but since she’s trying to be a different kind of mess, she punched Tiffany in the face instead.
Radar says that LiLo not only had the sweet nectar running through her veins, but she was also filling her nostrils with coke. We all know that LiLo turns on the “cunt” when she’s high on coke, so she snapped when Tiffany asked to take a picture with her. LiLo refused to pose with Tiffany, so Tiffany shrugged and kept dancing with her friends. LiLo wouldn’t let it go and later on, she shoved Tiffany before throwing a fist. LiLo kicked, screamed and spit at Tiffany until the fight was broken up.
And TMZ has the best and most pathetic reason for why LiLo kissed
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Usually, when Tommy Girl’s neighbors hear the pained screams of a man coming from his backyard, they just assume that John Travolta’s itchy, itchy Scientolohole once again crashed Tommy’s gay orgy and started gobbling up boy dick left and right. But last night, a man screamed in Tommy’s backyard for a different reason. TMZ says that Jason Sullivan, a model/interior designer who lives in a house next to Tommy’s, was tased by a security guard after he climbed a fence and jumped into Tommy’s backyard. The line “man gets shocked after jumping into Tommy’s backyard” sounds like a euphemism for sex with a plug-in vibrator gone wrong.
The story goes that Jason Sullivan was out drinking and asked a friend to drive him home. After the friend dropped him off, Jason was so drunk on the sweet nectar that he didn’t know which house was his. So Jason stumbled onto Tommy’s property by accident. Jason knew he was in the wrong place when one of Tommy’s security guards frizzed his pubes by tasering his ass. When the police showed up, they found smoke rising from Jason’s pubes and hair as he tried to run away from Tommy’s mansion. Jason was arrested for trespassing and before he was shuffled off to jail, he was taken to the hospital, because getting tased
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The bad news is that Randy Travis is still disturbing the peace with his drunken acts of sad country song fuckery. The good news is that this time, Randy Travis didn’t rub his butt sweat all over the backseat of a cop car. The other bad news is that Randy Travis’ latest boozed up date with the cops didn’t end with him walking away with a fresh pair of paper pants. Getting busted by the cops isn’t so bad when you get a pair of paper pants out of it.
Randy Travisty was put in handcuffs earlier this year after he was caught high on the sweet nectar in front of a church near his house, and a little over two weeks ago he was busted for drunkenly crashing his car before taking all his panties off in public. TMZ says that Randy earned the latest jewel on his record at around 1 this morning when the police were called to a church parking lot in Plano, TX, because Randy and some other dude were scrappin’ over a woman.
An officer tells People that the woman is apparently Randy’s latest girlfriend and she was arguing with her estranged husband in the church parking lot. Being the drunken Captain Save A Ho that he is, Randy threw himself
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The Bobby Hill toy ID card that will get you booze anytime and at anyplace (in the UK anyway)!
I meant to write about this extremely important expose when I read about it at the esteemed literary journal The Daily Mail last week, but since I have the memory of a plastic toy ID card, I completely forgot about it until I was carded a couple of nights ago while buying beer from the deli. At that moment, I wish I had a Bobby Hill toy ID card to show the deli dude, because I hate showing my drivers license since in the picture I look like a middle-aged South American woman who got the Tootsie cut in the 80s and hasn’t ever changed it. That isn’t the point, though. The point is that if you’re underage and thirsty for the sweet nectar, don’t bother trying to buy a fake ID on the Internet or beg your older sister’s friend to give you her old one, because all you need to do is get yourself one of these Bobby Hill ID cards.
The Nottingham County Council in the UK sent a 17-year-old into 22 shops in Nottingham to buy booze using either no ID or an ID card with the face of Bobby from King of the Hill on it. More than half of the 22 shops never asked
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Full Story »Ukraine’s very own Alexander Shtifanov who was described as the world’s best bartender when he gave hos a sweet nectar splash show on Ukraine’s Got Talent. Dlisted reader Raime sent me this clip of Alexander Shitfan’s (which is also John Travolta’s handle on the scat queen message boards) working a bottle like no other and he perfectly described the magic and artistry of the world’s best bartender better than I ever could:
I hope that you will share this life-changing panty creamer, Alexander Shtifanov, as the hot slut of the day. Why? Because he is unlike every other bartender. Most bartenders will ignore your ass for thirty years on a Friday night at SoBe leaving you painfully sober all throughout the night so that you can be awake for the terrible head they give you in the bathroom of Resurrection four hours later. Sad. I know. But this bartender puts on a hotter version of ignoring! He’ll dance and juggle his way to your side of the bar while slo-mo mixing a fancy ass drink for the rich douchebag standing next to you. For this, I elect sexy Alexander from Ukraine… Plus his name sounds like Shit Me Off. Sounds like a good time to me.
If you don’t share this then I will watch an entire season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians which will most likely result in an untimely death due to the vomiting of important organs… like my soul.
The last part really sold me, because I, for one, don’t
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