Believe it or not, that red paint wasn’t on the Target Dog’s face before Xtina crept into his personal space. That’s what happens when Xtina blows a red paint-covered air kiss at your face. The Target didn’t get lipstick over this, because: a) Xtina’s got enough lipstick for the both of them and; b) You know what Xtina does with red lipstick and the Target Dog doesn’t want any part in that.
Everyone on the red carpet at the ALMA Awards in L.A. last night all got the answer to their question “Why does it smell like wet paint, melted mannequins, the inside of a Maaco and the tears of a My Little Pony whose tail was just cut off?” when Xtina sashayed in with ALL THE MAKE-UP on her face. Who ever is in charge of covering her hair with a tarp and blue tape before her make-up artist sprays her down with orange bronzer didn’t do a good job, because there’s gunk all over her hairline. Or so much foundation has seeped into her face that the pores on her hairline are sweating out drops of make-up.
And I kind of want to lay my head on Xtina’s ass and then get up real fast and watch it slowly rise back into place. She’s got one of those Tempur-Pedic asses.
Reports that Target — Target! — will sell a limited-edition $999 Mockingjay pin to coincide with the DVD release of The Hunger Games later this month has visions of P.T. Barnum dancing in my head. If there are movie lovers who are willing to pony up that kind of dough for such a simple bauble, then surely their must be a market for the following memorabilia:
1. Rosebud (Citizen Kane) Limited to just 1500 pieces, this lovingly crafted replica of Charles Foster Kane’s beloved childhood plaything is not just a symbol of childhood lost and a mother’s love, it’s a working sled! Manufactured by a noted Bavarian sled maker, this memento from one of the greatest films of all time, features stainless steel runners and a hand-painted, individually numbered Rosebud logo. Price: $1999. Deluxe Variant Version: Limited to just 100 pieces, the image of Rupert Murdoch is discreetly painted on the sled’s underside. $1499
2. Nicky Santoro’s Vise (Casino): An eye-popping conversation piece if ever there was one! An exact 1:1 scale replica of the vise that Joe Pesci’s character used to extract a confession from Tony Dogs (Carl Ciarfalio). The attention to detail in the making of this limited-edition item includes splatters of discarded human blood obtained from cash-strapped hospitals. Just 25 will be made. Price: $595.00
3. Dyson Sentinel (The Matrix): Twelve years after this game-changing film was released, fans are still clamoring for Matrix memorabilia. So we turned to one of the most innovative product manufacturers on the Earth’s surface to produce this working 1/20th scale reproduction of the fearsome mechanical squids that menaced Neo and his crew. With its patented Tentacled Ball technology, the Dyson Sentinel is more than just a prop replica: It can also take care of your spot-welding needs and keep your frenemies at…
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Im Dong-Hyun, a South Korean archer who broke the first world record of the 2012 Olympics and did it all while being legally blind. This is the time when Katniss from The Hunger Games can stop humble bragging about how she’s like the greatest archer who ever lived and can shoot a tiny wart hanging off of an ant’s taint. Dong-Hyun has this.
BBC Sports say that Dong-Hyun is registered blind, has severe myopia and has 10 percent vision in his left eye and 20 percent in his right eye. When he’s 76 yards away from the target, he can only see blurred colors and even blurrier lines. Basically, he always has drunk Lohan vision. But he doesn’t let that shit keep him from shooting the center of that target every single time. Dong-Hyun doesn’t wear any special glasses or anything. He says that he just focuses on the bright yellow color and takes it from there.
At Friday’s preliminary round, Dong-Hyun not only helped his team place first, but he also beat his own 72-arrow world record with a score of 699. I don’t know what that means, but obviously it’s beyond impressive. I also like the score of 699, because it looks like a 69 with an extra person.
Dong-Hyun told reporters that he’s going for his first individual gold medal and he’s so going to get it. Dong-Hyun is also on track to get the gold medal in names! I mean, “Im Dong.” is just perfect on every level and if you say his full name really fast, it sort of sounds like “I’m Don Juan!“
Just like some of us, the First Lady stocks up on life’s essentials like lube, wine cubes, Febreze and Pizza Rolls at the caviar to Walmart’s gutter fish head known as Target! I’m sure your eyeballs have already graced these pictures when the Lifetime news bureau cut into the rerun of Dance Moms you were watching to bring you this highly important breaking news story, but I’m giving them to you again to show you that I still have an uncanny ability to bring you a story a day late. I’ve still got it!
As secret service agents in Target employee camouflage tased any bitch in the eye lids who threw a suspicious look at the First Lady, Michelle Obama strolled the aisles of a Target in Alexandria, Va for 30 minutes yesterday afternoon. The only person who recognized Michelle Obama was her cashier……and the Associated Press photographer who said he received a “tip” that she was there. (delivered in my best Pearl from 227 voice) Er herr. A tip. Is that the official code for Bo texting tips to AP photographers in exchange for Snausages?
You know, I’m not mad at Michelle Obama for joining good company by inducting herself into the Stunt Queen Hall of Fame. But I am mad at Michelle Obama for going to Target instead of Walmart. I mean, while inducting herself into the Stunt Queen Hall of Fame, she could’ve also joined the demure graceful flowers at the People of Walmart Hall of Fame. Missed opportunity!
