A few minutes ago, if you told me that you had a picture of Charlize Theron and Michael Fassbender 69ing in W Magazine, I’d prepare for the fapocalypse by sending my dog to the boarders before ordering tubs of lube, replacing my bed sheets with plastic tarps and telling my neighbors that they should either somehow catch a cold that stuffs up their noses or they should go ahead and visit their parents upstate. Well, here’s the picture and…….huuuuuuuuuuuuh?!
Why are they fully dressed? Like they’re fully FULLY dressed. They’re even wearing shoes! Why does Charlize’s eyes look like they just made out with Taylor Momsen’s raccoon eyes? Why does it look like there’s a Kindle hanging from Charlize’s crotch and Michael Assbender is catching up on some reading? Why is Charlize pointing her open mouth away from Michael Assbender’s crotch? When your mouth is open and Michael Assbender’s peen is within beej distance, your natural instinct should be to introduce your tonsils to his peen head. That fake fire in the background must be letting out some toxic fumes that are making both of them hazy in the brains. That’s the only explanation.
But the rest of the pictures are much more faptastic (especially this one which I’m turning into ceiling paper) and have convinced me that Charlize and Assbender need to star in 50 Shades of Grey together and that the 50 Shades of Grey movie needs to take place in Freddy Krueger’s nightmare lair. That’s where they are, right?
Kanye West’s CAPS LOCK key has scurried down into his MacBook Air fearing the rantpocolypse he will unleash over not being nominated for Album of the Year, but the 80s ho in me has grown a thinstache of happiness over El DeBarge finally getting the recognition he deserves! If it was up to only me, the Grammys next year would have a 1986 theme and every award would go to El, but I guess him getting one nomination this year is better than nothing. El DeBarge’s mommy Prince (you cannot convince that Prince didn’t butt birth El DeBarge under a cherry moon) must be so proud.
So, the Grammy nominations were announced last night during a completely pointless concert (see pictures from that mess blow including one of Lady CaCa as an electrocuted Taylor Momsen) and Kanye got the most with 7 (but no Album or Record of the Year) and Adele came in second with 6. You know, I don’t even know why they’re bothering with a Grammy ceremony. Just back up Adele’s pick-up truck into the loading dock, toss every single trophy in there and shove a solid gold pacifier into Kanye’s rant hole so he doesn’t hijack the truck before she drives away. Really, it’s the fucking Adeleys this year.
If you want to read all of the nominations, take the rest of the
…
Full Story »What is it with hometown reunions and high school sweethearts this week? Already, we’ve seen Hilary Duff try to hijack Mark Polish before he can rekindle the flames with his teen crush (Winona Ryder) in Stay Cool. We’ve seen artwork for Diablo Cody’s Young Adult, which features a teen lit novelist (Charlize Theron) who tries to reclaim her happily-married high school honey (Patrick Wilson). And now, we get a clip of Channing Tatum zeroing in on his love interest of yester-decade (Rosario Dawson) in a snippet from the star-packed Ten Year.
The comedy-drama Ten Year features a group of friends (Tatum, Oscar Isaac, Anthony Mackie and Chris Pratt) as they reconvene in their hometown ten years after their high school graduation. The directorial debut of Jamie Linden (We Are Marshall and Dear John scribe) also features performances from Aubrey Plaza, Lisa Kudrow, Anna Faris, Justin Long, John Krasinski and Taylor Momsen and marks Tatum’s first feature producer credit.
I am choosing to imagine that Ten Year Channing Tatum and Magic Mike Channing Tatum are the same character, meaning that Tatum, the veteran stripper, took a weekend off from lap dancing with Alex Pettyfer to put on a sensible brown blazer and reclaim his conservatively-dressed hometown crush. That Magic Mike narrative will improve any Channing Tatum title, in my opinion, including Dear John (stripper-turned-soldier falls for uptight college student) and Step Up 2: The Streets (stripper takes an up-and-coming street dancer under his wing). Try it!
Ten Year will hit theaters December 30.
[via IndieWire]
Full Story »
No one wants their funeral celebrated on an inconsequential Tuesday afternoon, but Taylor Momsen’s acting career will have to settle for an overheated, late-summer burial. The Gossip Girl alumna claims she’s done acting and wants to focus solely on her music career. To be fair, Pretty Reckless is kind of a cool band. But to be fairer to the Movieline populace, this means we have to mourn her body of work. Join us as we recount a bunch of movies you probably didn’t even know Ms. Momsen was in.
The Grinch (2000)
Yes, that was Momsen as Cindy Lou Who in the disappointing big screen adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s magical tale. While the makeup and hair in this movie are nothing short of astounding, the only other noteworthy moment is Momsen’s sad performance of “Where are You, Christmas,” embedded below in full audio. You might say it saves the movie from being a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.
We Were Soldiers (2002)
Though now it appears her adoptive parents are Madonna and Lourdes Ciccone, in 2002 Momsen served as a daughter to Mel Gibson and Madeleine Stowe in We Were Soldiers, the tastefully executed movie chronicling the first major battle of the Vietnam War and the life of a soldier therein. If you can stand to look at Mel Gibson, you’ll likely appreciate this movie.
Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams (2002)
Momsen played the President of the United States’s daughter in Spy Kids 2, and if you guessed that she’d be trapped atop an out-of-control carnival ride at the start of the movie, you’re the smartest spy kid of all. Say what you will…
The acting world is still suffering from shortness of breath brought on by Amanda Bynes pressing pause on her acting career for a second, and now it will completely have to deep throat a 10-inch long asthma inhaler over award-winning thespian (by “award-winning” I mean bitch hasn’t won shit) Taylor Momsen hanging up her “acting” skills forever. Cut to the sad image of Meryl Streep passing a torch to an empty space, because Taylor Momsen isn’t there to grab it.
The post-seizure dumpster panda tells Elle Magazine that she’s quit acting, quit Gossip Girl and will devote all her time to duct taping her nipples in the name of rock.
ELLE: And any acting projects planned?
TM: I quit acting, actually. I quit Gossip Girl and now tour and am in a band and that’s pretty much all I want to do. Hopefully I’ll be able to only do that for the rest of my life.
Bitch, stop. You know Gossip Girl quit you, because they were sick of wasting money on paying hos to scrape off the gorilla anus rings from around your eyes before getting you into make-up. But seriously, Taylor is making the right decision. When you’re acting skills make Blake Lively look like an actual human being that processes actual emotions in her working brain, it’s best to go out on top.
And Gossip
…
Full Story »
Holy Stratford-upon-Van der Woodsen: One of your beloved Gossip Girl cast members is joining a new adaptation of a Shakespearean classic. Which of the bug-eyed popular kids could it be? Is Blake Lively stirring it up as Regan in King Lear? Will Chace Crawford reveal more pounds of flesh (in a shirtless way?) as Antonio in The Merchant of Venice? Or will Leighton Meester The answer lies within.
It’s even better than those suggestions: Ed Westwick is purportedly set to play Tybalt in the new Romeo and Juliet adaptation. That means we’ll watch him kill Mercutio and die onscreen after Romeo attacks him. I’m titillated! So much angst and furor and gritty mouth acting from Westwick, I suspect. Do I sense a Bad Movie We Love in our midst? I’m always on the lookout.
Young Hollywood Award honoree Hailee Steinfeld is set to play Juliet, while Holly Hunter will play The Nurse. Adorable all around, really. If we can get Taylor Momsen to play a plummy-eyed, over-maquillaged ghost in a Macbeth reboot, I’ll be more excited than a CW exec at a sexy vampire mixer.
· Ed Westwick Gets Shakespeareanced [Showblitz]
Full Story »James Franco’s dulcet tones offset the utter terror of genius apes in this new featurette from Rise of the Planet of the Apes. You also learn a bit about the story, which helps with the abject fear.
Yikes! That ape was staring off like a vindictive character on Gossip Girl. That ape knows Taylor Momsen should never be a pop star.
· ‘Rise of the Apes’ Featurette Recaps the Grand Arc of the Film’s Story [/Film]
Full Story »
Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon’s Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.
While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn’t play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton’s closet, so he’s not going to let Slimer’s menstrual fluid mess ‘em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles “slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me” and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.
If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We’re all adults here (not really) and we don’t look at the winners of some children’s awards show! Adults don’t do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let’s continue the theme.
Here’s a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you’re going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi
…
Full Story »
And for his next act, James Franco will Tweet! – TDW
Daniel Craig’s hungover eyes and freshly Weisz-ed face leaves JFK – Lainey Gossip
Personally, I think Madonna’s anus should play Lady Gaga in a movie but that’s just my opinion – The Superficial
Taylor Momsen and her alley way Lolita moves (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
Wonky McValtrex’s nauseating birthday celebration whore tour takes her to NYC. Poke at me when her tour takes her to Chernobyl – Hollywood Tuna
Beth Ditto births out a homage to Madge’s Justify My Love & Vogue – Towleroad
Buuuuuuniiiiiieeeeees - The Berry
Hilary Duff is morphing into Miley Cyrus – Popoholic
Paging Maury! – Celebitchy
Gwen Stefani brings Kingston out at the end of her fashion show. You know the other L.A.M.B. designers were like, “This kid…” – Popsugar
If somebody spiked Justin Bieber’s formula with testosterone and growth hormones – Just Jared
Meg Ryan and John Mellencamp….still. – ICYDK
Like the rays of a sunset falling on a magnolia blossom stuck under the wheel of a trailer – Hollywood Rag
Bride Wars: The Sequel – I’m Not Obsessed
Vintage Vanna! – Cityrag
The dude who stole Paris Hilton’s birthday cake will find out that the joke is on him when he gets herp warts on his tonsils – Popbytes
Sheree better settle down now! – Crunk + Disorderly
(Carol) Channing Tatum (O’Neal) tells GQ that he’s been sexing on Jamie Bell for years. To which I say, pics and cum rag or it didn’t happen – Towleroad
Johnny Depp’s jeans are killing me loudly – Lainey Gossip
Blake Lively….. Yup, still boring – The Superficial
SHOCKING: A few Demi Moore bikini pictures that she didn’t take and post herself (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather
Brooklyn Decker in Sports Illustrated – Hollywood Tuna
Tonya Harding is going to be a mom. Please tell me she’s going to shout “WHYYYYY MEEEEE! WHYYYYY MEEEEEE!” during labor – Celebitchy
Um. You’ve got a little Taylor Momsen on your lips – The Berry
Tinkerbell and Peter Pan’s love child at the Elle Style Awards – Popoholic
I read this as “Leslie Nielsen” and got really confused for a second – NYC Barstool Sports
You and me both, Chuck Lorre - TDW
Harpo, who dis white woman? - Just Jared
Even Ashlee Simpson can’t lift up head to look at Pete Wentz’s hair – Popsugar
Thrilling. – ICYDK
David LaChapelle stuffed a ball gag lawsuit in RiRi’s mouth – OMG Blog
Cat vs. dog vs. stuff – Cityrag
A bedazzled gay mariachi attends a day of the dead parade – SOW
Why did I think this was Chris Crocker? – Hollywood Rag
