There’s a new Pope in town, and he’s chosen a name I rather like. Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina is the first Pope Francis in the history of the papacy. He’s also the inspiration for a trending Twitter hashtag: #ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope Tweets. From one Francis to another, here are my five favorites so far:
Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Pope #ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope—
Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) March 13, 2013
The Great White Pope. #ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope—
Dave Coulier (@DaveCoulier) March 13, 2013
#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope Mean Popes…."ummm you can't pray with us." http://t.co/8IHE1LrPiz—
☺MATT☺ (@Mattheewwc) March 13, 2013
#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope The Pope Wears Prada—
Charlie Moss (@_CharlieMoss) March 13, 2013
#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope Pope Floats, South Pope Bigger Longer And Uncut, Dont Tell Pope The Babysitters Dead, Teenage Mutant Ninja Popes—
Mike Jurkowski (@MikeJurkowski) March 13, 2013
Follow Frank DiGiacomo on Twitter.
Follow Movieline on Twitter.
There’s a new Pope in town, and he’s chosen a name I rather like. Jorge Bergoglio of Argentina is the first Pope Francis in the history of the papacy. He’s also the inspiration for a trending Twitter hashtag: #ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope Tweets. From one Francis to another, here are my five favorites so far:
Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Pope #ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope—
Comedy Central (@ComedyCentral) March 13, 2013
The Great White Pope. #ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope—
Dave Coulier (@DaveCoulier) March 13, 2013
#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope Mean Popes…."ummm you can't pray with us." http://t.co/8IHE1LrPiz—
☺MATT☺ (@Mattheewwc) March 13, 2013
#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope The Pope Wears Prada—
Charlie Moss (@_CharlieMoss) March 13, 2013
#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithPope Pope Floats, South Pope Bigger Longer And Uncut, Dont Tell Pope The Babysitters Dead, Teenage Mutant Ninja Popes—
Mike Jurkowski (@MikeJurkowski) March 13, 2013
Follow Frank DiGiacomo on Twitter.
Follow Movieline on Twitter.
The April O’Neil “Ravishing Reporter” action figure!
When a shirtless Michael Bay sprawled himself on the hood of his Ferrari (the one that Megan Fox washed and waxed again to get a role in one of his shit show movies) and announced that Megan Fox would be playing April O’Neil in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, I figured her costume would look just like the gorgeous “Ravishing Reporter” action figure. And it should. The “Ravishing Reporter” action figure looked more like a “Down Trodden, Raggedy Ass, Alley Way Hooker” action figure.
She was ravishing in every way. April’s hair looked like a ten gallon hat made of ginger hair and she was dressed like she was ready to turn tricks for a slice of pizza. Those green biker shorts, those flesh-colored anklets, that purple bustier and her real rooted hair (a phrase you can never use when describing Beyonce) were the touches of elegance that ensemble really needed.
And April wasn’t just a regular reporter. She was a RAVISHING reporter.
I don’t know how I feel about Emma Stone dressed like a fancy esthetician – Just Jared
Awkward is when your child daughter is taller than your cig-smoking troll of a girlfriend - Lainey Gossip
Whale blows rainbow (not another story about John Travolta’s sex scandal, I promise) – Towleroad
Every Courtney Stodden video can double as a stay in school PSA – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s got a muff on his face and for once in his life this one’s not attached to a maid’s crotch – Celebitchy
Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield on Teen Vogue – The Berry
For the none of you who haven’t seen Miley Cyrus in her chonies – Hollywood Tuna
Eva Mendes needs to stop dressing like she’s Betty Draper – Popoholic
“What a surprise” said not one motherfucker – The Superficial
Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitties – Cityrag
Keira Knightley always looks like she’s about to take the stage in an outdoor theater production of a Shakespeare play – ICYDK
Suri’s “guuuuuuuuurl, that outfit” look says it all – Popsugar
And Charlotte’s first words were, “Will somebody please turn off that annoying song already!” – IDLYITW
Thanks to Depends, Lisa Rinna really can do everything now without worrying about pissing through her pants – Celebslam
A bike seat wouldn’t let Nicki Minaj’s ass be great – Hollywood Rag
Jim Carrey really dropped out, because the world doesn’t need more Dumb & Dumber since we’ve got Snooki & JWoww’s reality show now – SOW
I will never understand why Bobby Brown’s new wife has to cover up her titties, but his can go free? – I’m Not Obsessed
Paramount’s big-budget live-action, Michael Bay-produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot has run into some budgetary obstacles, reports Nikki Finke, with production delayed in order to shave down the film’s budget to the reported target of $125 million. This means the heroes on a half shell won’t hit screens until five months beyond their initial Christmas 2013 date, moving to May 2014 — if a satisfactory budget is reached, that is. Are the Turtles in trouble?
Over at THR, a report puts it in more definite, less hopeful terms, citing sources who say the studio has shut down prep on the film “indefinitely”:
The issue is said to be the script. Paramount has delayed several big movies from this year to 2013, including G.I. Joe: Retaliation and Brad Pitt’s World War Z, leaving it with a spotty pipeline for the current year. Now it has halted work on its planned holiday movie for 2013, temporarily laying off preproduction staff and informing those prepping the film that the work stoppage is “indefinite,” according to sources. Another source close to the production says the movie has been pushed by ten weeks.
After begging and pleading with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan community to please, please not engage in preemptive flame warfare over the rumors and vagaries surrounding the reboot of their beloved franchise, I now recognize the futility of my attempts at diplomacy. This comes after the film’s attached director Jonathan Liebesman — also of this week’s Wrath of the Titans and last year’s eminently regarded (ahem) Battle: Los Angeles — only complicated matters with his comments about the kerfuffle. And then there’s the movie’s reported name change.
Liebesman toed the company line at last weekend’s Titans junket, urging TMNT devotees to calm down about producer Michael Bay’s proposed alien-turtle-ooze influence — which apparently “comes straight from the series.” I can’t believe I just wrote that, or this:
“Look, it’s so funny — if everyone was such a die-hard fan, they would know that the TCRI canisters where the ooze comes from. That is alien ooze. Now I’m not saying what Michael said is exactly what the movie is, because we’re sitting in a room now figuring everything out. So we don’t know, but we are like Michael said: we’re expanding it, and the expansion will be true to the mythology. I promise you: fans will love it.”
Even if those fans are to take Liebesman at his word, there’s also this reported nugget that no doubt have them soiling their Donatello jammies:
Bleeding Cool has verified that the working title of the upcoming Paramount-Nickelodeon Turtle movie from producer Michael Bay and director Jonathan Libesman is going by the working title of Ninja Turtles. We know all too well where the “Mutant” bit went, but now it seems we’re also losing “Teenage.”
We haven’t been able to get a definite statement
…
Full Story »I don’t ask a lot. I don’t really ask anything. Absurdities come and go. I roll with what I can and let the rest fade away. We’re similar in that regard, aren’t we? We won’t agree on everything, but we’re adults who ultimately respect each others’ tastes and accept — resentfully or not — that in this destabilized, hyper-reductive cinematic climate, even such fare as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot has a place in our culture. It’s big enough for all of us! So with this in mind, and in light of the vicious media sparring currently underway among the TMNT establishment, can we please, please just lay down our nunchucks and let this skirmish go?
To wit, can we please not make an international incident out of producer Michael Bay’s context-free acknowledgement that “[t]hese turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny and completely lovable”? Judging by the fan reaction, you’d think that Bay proposed changing the heroes to rabbits or literally stomped on a live turtle in the middle of the Nickelodeon upfronts.
And to that point, can we please no longer spotlight the bottom-feeding likes of Robbie Rist, who provided the voice of Michaelangelo in the original live-action TMNT films and who inveighed against Bay [via TMZ, of course]:
“You probably don’t know me but I did some voice work on the first set of movies that you are starting to talk about sodomizing. [...] I know believing in mutated talking turtles is kinda silly to begin with but am I supposed to be led to believe there are ninjas from another planet? The rape of our childhood memories continues …
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This morning we relayed that Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol scribes Josh Appelbaum and Andre Nemec would head up a reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is probably good news. Problem is, the best parts of hard-bitten 1990 original should be preserved in turtle wax for eternity. You simply can’t recreate the essence of a film where the chief voice talent is Corey Feldman, and why on Earth would you try? Here are five elements from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that can’t be topped or (probably) even retooled.
1. The New Jack swing of that gorgeous 1990 soundtrack. I don’t want the CGI-afflicted humanoids of a 2011 version to sway with the sounds of Hi Tek 3’s “Spin That Wheel” or Partners in Kryme’s “Turtle Power.” Abuse the Vanilla Ice “Go Ninja Go!” rap from Secret of the Ooze all you want; I just can’t handle a revamp of the slack-swag cookout jams from the original.
2. The dour NYC denizens! April’s boss Charles can’t figure out where Danny picked up a boss pair of headphones. (He stole them.) A police chief snorts at a too-inquisitive April, “Just what is it you hope to accomplish out there, besides busting my chops?” We’re even treated to the Dragnet-style deadpan, “This block’s got a crack the size of the San Andreas” at one point. Grittier than old pebbles in a turtle aquarium, this movie.
3. Judith Hoag’s downtrodden hots as April O’Neil. Where have all the despairing, trench-coated TV reporters gone? Now that’s something Geraldo could investigate.
4. Mean Turtle name-calling: “Elf lips” and “Gak-face” are my favorites. Man, I miss stupid word wars in…
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