The “open” sign is back on the front door of Camilla Belle’s Bearding Services, because she has stopped dating the virgin quarterback who regularly Facetimes with Jesus on his iPhone. Who knew that a devout Christian with his cherry firmly intact couldn’t make it work with a ho who Taylor Swift says is a master at mattress acrobats (read: the squinty bitch called her a slut).
Tim Tebow and Camilla Belle started dating a couple of months ago and they were seen holding hands and doing kissing stuff at a bowling alley in Florida. They must’ve had one of those short-term contracts, because a source tells UsWeekly that it’s over. I guess Camilla just didn’t have a servant’s heart, which is what Tim Tebow wants in a wife. He said this to Vogue a while ago:
“I’ve been blessed to have an amazing mom and two amazing sisters — so they set a very high standard. Obviously looks play a big part. Being attracted to someone plays a big part, but there’s also so much more than that for me. It’s about finding someone sweet and kind — and that has a servant’s heart.”
I’m actually surprised over this highly important news. Tim Tebow isn’t going to let his peen kiss on a vagina until he’s married and Camilla Belle was with a Jonas brother during his purity cock ring days, so she knows how it goes. Bitch probably quit Tim Tebow, because she got sick of doing butt sex all the time (side note: anybody who gets sick of butt sex is no friend of mine). Virgins LOVE butt sex.
The exquisitely hideous yellow leather couch that started it all! Going back and watching Tommy Girl’s hilariously priceless, cushion-smashing, choreographed declaration of beard love on Oprah reminded me just what a magnificent showgirl of insanity that bitch can be. I’ve seen mentally sick bitches on meth act more sane than this. There are three sides to Tommy: crazy, crazier and craziest and during that show he took his third side to whole new levels. I wish we saw that side of Tommy more, because bitch put on a show. Tommy almost broke Oprah’s wrists in a game of mercy and he actually dropped to his knees without someone waving an RTPP (ready-to-party peen) at him. I mean, who does the touchdown knee drop besides Tim Tebow or hos who have just made an actual touchdown? It’s like Tommy just won the Beard Super Bowl. I wouldn’t go that far. Katie Holmes was/is a good beard, but I wouldn’t call her a High Priestess of Bearding like Kelly Preston or Deborra Lee-Furness.
If you haven’t already, it’s worth a re-watch (this is the best cut I could find). It’s like Tommy suddenly becomes his Magnolia character, but instead of freaking out over conquering pussy, he’s freaking out over getting the prime seat in the Scientology’s men’s spa, because he signed on a prime beard. Jump for your beard, bitch!
Now, about that yellow leather couch….
I don’t blame Tommy for
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Because above everything Jesus hates crusty cuticles, extra chunky toe jam and nail stank, the new belle of New York City Tim Tebow got a mani-pedi at MB Nails in West Hollywood on Tuesday. We know who’s nails are going to send sparkle rays up to heaven at the church luncheon this Easter Sunday.
Tim Tebow’s date with Taylor Swift does more to fuel the gay rumors than this picture does. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to get a mani-pedi each week to keep your gay card valid. I’m gayer than pink flamingo nipple nectar (yes, pink flamingos have nipples) and my idea of a pedicure is chewing my toe nails off my with my mouth and smelling the extra dirty ones. And I wonder why hos refuse to kiss me on the mouth without a tongue condom on.
via TMZ
Yes, and I know I need to bond with a Photoshop class. But in the meantime, a laugh is jumping out my throat over how Taylor Swift keeps trying to spread some country sin onto Tim Tebow’s pristine peen. Rick Santorum’s favorite new IT couple was born on Monday night when they went to dinner with a bunch of friends in Century City. They apparently went as friends, but a source tells UsWeekly that beard extraordinaire Taylor Swift wants Tim to Tebow right over her basket of curly golden love (that’s what she’s going to call it in the song she’s obviously going to write about his ass), but he’s not exactly into her. That scent that just trickled up your nostrils is the smell of a beard that just got BURNED. UsWeekly’s source said this about Taylor wishing she was the Mary Magdalene to Tim’s Jesus:
“Yes, she has a crush on him. She is a massive fan, but I don’t think he sees her that way. They actually have been speaking a lot about the Bible and Christianity. Right now it’s on the friendship tip – even though that frustrates her.”
Taylor Swift herself is more annoying than a Taylor Swift song, but all these rumors make me like her just a
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Full Story »This trenchant observation press release just over the transom at ML HQ: “You’ve probably seen the news by now –- Ryan Gosling has been snubbed by the Academy. Once all the hoopla and cries of injustice die down, you’ll find that Ryan Gosling, the supposed darling of hearts everywhere, really wasn’t all that popular. In a recent survey conducted by Badoo, the world’s largest social network for meeting new people, when asked which male celeb they would like to hang out with, people overwhelmingly chose Tim Tebow (31%) and not Ryan, who brought in only 6% of the vote. Even amongst women, Ryan did poorly against the likes of George Clooney, garnering a meager 9% to Clooney’s 24%.” Now you know. [Press release]
This morning, I took my dog down for his first public piss of the day and I wore a hat like this and glasses like these to do so. (You can judge me all you want, but it’s raining like a bitch here and I think that’s the heavens’ way of throwing me shade and weeping over my jacked up look so you don’t have to.) When I got downstairs, a dude who works in my building stopped mopping and said to me, “You look like a Chinese Ron from A Different World!” Just like that. I’m not Chinese, but I figured that any day that starts out with A Different World reference is going to be a good day. I was wrong, because I came upstairs and read about Sinead O’Connor trying to overdose her way to the afterworld again. Is the brown that difficult, Sinead? Damn.
Between trying to get the taste of activated charcoal out of her mouth, Sinead told The Sun (You know, because when you try to get a date with the Grim Reaper, you tell The Sun first!) that she swallowed a bunch of pills last Thursday in L.A. Shortly after Sinead overdosed, she let out a Twitter plea and asked her followers if they knew of a good shrink. Why Sinead didn’t ask
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