Six seconds after Lindsay Lohan was arrested for being Lindsay Lohan, Michael Lohan, her beloved father and the piece of dried leech shit who played a huge part in turning her into a human tequila worm of delusion, immediately pulled his cell phone out of the totally cool holster strapped to his International Male jeans and called the only people who will take his call: the media.
Michael Lohan tells Radar that he’s the one who tried to get LiLo into rehab and he told everyone she’d continue to be a professional fuck-up if she didn’t get real help. You know Michael Lohan really cares, because I’m sure that the first thing he said to Radar after calling them up was, “Yoko Ono came out with some new hot mesh shirts, so you’re gonna need to add a zero to my usual fee.” This is the pile of extra chunky caca filling that spewed out of Michael’s pie hole this morning:
“I TOLD you exactly what would happen and YOU KNOW I was trying to get Dina on board with me for a long time, BUT especially the last two weeks. Lindsay is acting out in numerous ways because she needs us and internally she’s hurt and angry! Again, it’s ALL on Dina and I wish to God
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Full Story »Dane Cook must’ve looked at all the free attention Daniel Tosh got for that whole “Wouldn’t it be funny if 5 guys raped her right now?” thing and thought to himself, “I can do that too!” And he did at The Laugh Factory in L.A. last night when he tried out this joke:
“I heard that the guy came into the theater about 25 minutes into [The Dark Knight Rises]. And I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie, but the movie’s pretty much a piece of crap. Yeah, spoiler alert. I know that if none of that would have happened, I’m pretty sure that somebody in that theater, about 25 minutes in realizing it was a piece of crap, probably was like, ‘Ugh, fucking shoot me.’”
The comedian he stole that joke from should be ashamed of themselves! But really, Dane Cook has a point. The Dark Knight Rises was a total piece of crap compared to the cinematic brilliance of Employee of the Month.
UPDATE: Dane Cook’s ass farted out an apology today, “I made a bad judgment call with my material last night & regret making a joke at such a sensitive time. My heart goes out to all of the families & friends of the victims.”
via Vulture
Sort of: “Hidden from the scrutinising eyes of the [Romanian] Secret Police, Irina Margareta Nistor dubbed over 5,000 foreign films that entered the country illegally and were distributed on the black market. Her husky and high-pitched voice became the symbol of freedom and Chuck Norris, Van Damme and Bruce Lee became national heroes. Chuck Norris vs. Communism follows the story of the tapes, the collapse of communism in Romania and the advent of the new capitalist era.” And surprise! The filmmakers are crowdsourcing the budget. Click through for the teaser and invest accordingly.
[via press release, Chuck Norris v. Communism]
Full Story »You know how in The Bodyguard, Whitney Houston’s stalker writes her creepy ass letters using the cut out words from magazines, newspaper and shit like that? Well, this is like the musical video version of that and it’s made me grateful for people who turn the time on their hands into glorious shit like this. If I got this in the mail, I’d take out a restraining order against the sender, but before doing so I’d nominate this for an Internet Award in Achievement in YES!!! Making.
And just like in real life, Sharon Stone as a conniving villain cunt from the future gets the final Hello.
via Gawker
With a leased-for-the-hour child actor from central casting and a trunk full of Dollar Tree props in hand, international supermodel and Hot Slut of Every Year Phoebe Price returned to the Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood yesterday to show children of all ages that with zero shame and even less dignity they too can grow up to be the shiniest petal on the famewhore flower that brings all the paps to the yard.
As some families gourded their eyes out from not being able to stand seeing her stunning freckled beauty in the flesh, PP brought out her best Pirates of the Caribbeinbeautiful (Curse of the Freckled Oyster?) moves and comedian Patton Oswalt was one of the lucky few who got a front row seat. To say that Patton’s eyes were captivated by her scarecrow chichis and his heart was captured by her strong work ethic is an understatement greater than saying that PP’s complexion looks like chicken lasagna.
Patton narrated Chicken Cutlet’s borderline child abuse photo shoot at the pumpkin patch so I don’t have to:
Only PP can show the junior famewhores like Courtney Stodden how to really set fire to the pumpkin patch! And in doing so, PP just earned some quotes for her resume from a TV, movie and comedy star!
“…..star” - Patton Oswalt
“…dew-ey….treat” – Patton Oswalt
“’sexy’ pirate…” – Patton Oswalt
“I DO want to….. pet…. her” – Patton Oswalt
In the upcoming dramedy 50/50, 27-year-old Adam (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) finds out he has a cancerous tumor growing in his back, and proceeds to tell his best friend Kyle (Seth Rogen) outside a coffee shop. If only it happened like that in reality. 50/50 is based on the life of screenwriter Will Reiser, and when he called Rogen, his best friend, to tell him the bad news, the Knocked Up star was in a compromising situation: mid-poop. Click through to watch Rogen explain.
So much hilarity there, especially that the awesome David Krumholtz (“Dave”) gets a mention. Starring Gordon-Levitt, Rogen, Anna Kendrick and Angelica Huston, 50/50 is out in theaters on Sept. 30. If you’d like to contribute to JoGo’s short film project, head over to hitRECord to submit your own tragi-comic stories.
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