Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson’s son Chester Hanks (it’s “Chet Haze” if you cut your Alize with Summer’s Eve) has already murdered the white boy rap game by spittin’ rhymes that sounds like an Enimen queef and now he’s killing heterosexual relationships everywhere by Tweeting pictures of his humble nipples. Chet posted this picture of his nipples and a background blonde (who is probably happy that Chet is too busy humping the camera to hump her) and continued to fart out a shrine to himself by posting another one:
If you’re a dick-loving woman with a boyfriend, then I’m sure you just changed your Facebook status from “in a relationship” to “HAZED!!!!!!” Chet knows the kind of effect he has on chochas and apologized to all boyfriends everywhere for luring their girlfriends to the HAZE side.
Chet then made thousands of gays fart out the broken pieces of their hearts after he let it be known that he’s NO HOMO:
I swear, my eyeballs smell like a clean pussy now, because doucheness is dripping off of each of those Tweets.
In case you couldn’t tell from Chet’s tattoo that looks like the mascot of a bank run by The Fellowship of the Sun, Chet Haze is dumber than a box of chocolates.
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Thomas Horn, who plays the 9-year-old protagonist in this winter’s Tom Hanks/Sandra Bullock feature Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (which is gaining Oscar steam), gives a somewhat stilted first impression in the movie’s trailer. He came off much stronger as a champion on Jeopardy!, where he towered over last year’s Kids Week with a $31,800 finish. I say we judge his potential based on his Trebekian skills, not his trailer prowess. Which categories did he soar in? And are they helpful when solving Tom Hanks’s key riddle?
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close concerns a child whose father is killed in 9/11. The kid goes on a journey when he discovers a vase and a key his father left behind, and the surreal/magical trek brings him even closer to his mother. So: How can Jeopardy! help in this scenario?
Observing the gameboard of Horn’s victory, it appears he’s most proficient in government and world geography. You’ll be disheartened to learn that he avoided both of the entertainment categories, but even then, he picked up a question or two in the “Video Games” and “I Wanna Watch TV!” columns (nice pandering, Jeopardy! — why can’t kids get asked questions about ’40s Oscar winners and classical opera like everyone else?). Horn’s character of Oskar Schell will need a complex understanding of New York City, a puzzlemaster’s smarts, and a general precociousness to be believable. He has the third tenet in spades, and I’m confident he can pick up New York City’s grid in a snap. Unfortunately, he only showed trivia prowess in the most cut-and-dry “trivia” categories, the ones where you either remember X, Y, and Z, or you don’t. In the more puzzle-y “Synonyms” category,…
Full Story »Fresh off an Oscar-friendly release date announcement, the first image from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close — the Stephen Daldry-directed adaptation of Jonathan Safran Foer’s heartbreaking 9/11 aftermath novel — has arrived with Mr. Oscar, Tom Hanks, front and center. For those of you still suffering from PTSD after Larry Crowne, fear not! The following photo does not involve a scooter, Dockers pants or a bucket helmet. Just a kid and his dad.
Close follows a 10-year-old (former Jeopardy! Kids Week champion Thomas Horn, pictured above) who, after losing his father (Hanks) on 9/11, goes on a journey across New York to find a lock-box that his dad left him the key to while his mother (Sandra Bullock) grieves. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close gets a limited release on Dec. 25 before expanding nationally on Jan. 20.
[via Hitfix]
Full Story »If you think the comedic body-switch is a tired movie conceit, you’re not alone — or rather, you’re not original: We were thinking that way back in 1989! In a new video that mashes up the trailer for The Change-Up with Big, Vice Versa, Freaky Friday, 13 Going on 30 and many others, we see just how formulaic this cinematic trope can be. Fred Savage, your agitated comic timing remains admirable.
I emitted a particular guffaw at “Tom Hanks is Jennifer Garner.” The Reinhold/Savage exchange is also a treat, but I found it particularly jarring to revisit Like Father, Like Son, which is no doubt the worst entry in the body-switch genre. Dudley Moore never looked more grizzled, and yes, I’ve seen Arthur 2: On the Rocks.
But seriously, on a related note: Can someone dust off Fred Savage, pry him away from his directing career for a second, and stick him in something? Some of us miss Working. Not J/K.
‘The Change-Up’ vs. Body Switch Movies [YouTube]
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It hasn’t been the best of Julys for Tom Hanks — after all, Larry Crowne fizzled with both critics and audiences — but that should change today, if only because it’s his birthday! Hanx — as he’s known to his over 2 million Twitter followers — was born in Concord, Calif on July 9, 1955, and here at Movieline we encourage you to celebrate the joyous occasion the only way that seems appropriate: by remembering his best onscreen moment.
Hanks has given dozens of great performances over his career — from his Oscar-winning turns in Philadelphia and Forrest Gump to his voice work in the ridiculously successful Toy Story franchise — so it seems hard to pick out a favorite. That said — and going beyond the obvious choices — you can’t go wrong with a little A League of Their Own. There’s no crying in baseball, nor on birthdays.
What is your favorite Tom Hanks moment? Leave some thoughts in the comments below.
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