Here’s Colton Haynes from MTV’s Teen Wolf, but mostly known as the twinkie whose publicist tried to Magic Erase his gayness from the Internet, casually gazing into the wooden vulvas on his trailer’s paneling while flexing his abs so hard that I’m surprised one of his muscle biscuits didn’t pop out and start flopping next to that torn tampon on the floor. Teen Wolf’s executive producer Tumblr-ed this picture and added the note: “Shot from Colton’s trailer. We asked him to show us his new body, the product of three months of serious training. Of course, he struck a model pose.”
You know, I take back that gazing comment. Colton’s not gazing, he’s trying to keep his eyes from rolling to the back of his head right before he passes the shit out, because his body can’t take THE HONGARIES anymore. For the past three months, bitch’s trainer has only let him lick on the tears that trickle down his face while he’s crunching his way to abs of a G.I. Joe doll. It must suck when even the pre-cum from the dick you regularly suck on has to be tested for calorie content by your nutritionist before it’s allowed to go in your mouth. No thanks.
And, DUH, I’d hit it even if his abs taste like bronzer and matte black eyeshadow.
Edgar Rice Burroughs created the planet-hopping hero John Carter of Mars way back in 1912 in his serialized novels about a Southern gent transported to an alien world. So why does the new trailer for John Carter, directed by Pixar vet Andrew Stanton, feel so familiar? Shades of Avatar and Attack of the Clones distract from what should be nonstop ooh-ing and aah-ing over giant CG creature effects and Taylor Kitsch in a loincloth. Then again, Taylor Kitsch in a loincloth… thank you for that, Mr. Stanton.
Or is it more of a loincloth-skort? Anyway, watch the trailer premiere courtesy of IGN:
I dig the awesome factor of John Carter’s Mars-enhanced super skills; I could do without Kitsch’s gravelly grumbling. But seriously, how am I supposed to ignore the Queen Amidala vibe coming off of Lynn Collins? Or the “You are ugly, but you are beautiful” grudging interspecies acceptance of an outsider human stepping in to save a lanky, tribal alien race?
Do filmmakers even realize when they’re making films that are just like other films?
Sigh.
Verdict: It’s Attack of the Avatar Clone Wars, fine. What else am I going to see on March 9?
Full Story » 
Last week, you and I watched the first trailer for Tarsem Singh’s Mirror, Mirror in slack-jawed horror. (After all, aren’t Snow White adaptations supposed to be about the titular princess and not Julia Roberts’s aging concerns, Bollywood dance numbers and Armie Hammer’s impression of a dog?) Surprisingly though, not all of the Internet’s feedback was negative. A few brave souls commented on the Relativity trailer enthusiastically — and now MovieMavericks.com is claiming that some of those suspicious thumbs-up reviews came from the same source.
MovieMavericks.com points out that several “strangely optimistic comments” posted to their own Mirror, Mirror trailer write-up originated from the same IP address. Upon Google-searching those comments, MovieMavericks discovered that the same IP address user had posted the same positive reviews on other movie websites — leading them to believe that either A) There is just a very dedicated Brooklyn-based Tarsem Singh fan who is hellbent on raising the bar for Mirror, Mirror buzz. Or B) The studio (or a party involved with the film) is having someone do some web damage control on the atrocious-looking trailer.
Among the copied and pasted positive remarks that MovieMavericks.com cites:
· “Julia Roberts is going to be awesome as the Evil Queen. She’s such a good actress!”
· “Definitely seeing this with my boyfriend! Can’t wait to see Lily Collins in action!!”
· “Tareem [sic] Singh makes awesome movies. Immortals was amazing and this will be too.”
For the record, the only positive comments that the trailer received when Movieline Full Story »
Madonna reedited her new film W.E. after its mostly disastrous premiere at the Venice Film Festival a few months ago, and now it’s in new trailer, her watercolored royalty tale looks sleeker, sexier, and — phew — just as ridiculous. In terms of Madonna paramours, W.E. just made the admirable jump from Vanilla Ice to Dennis Rodman. Now there is something colorful and electric about its freakish antics.
Glad to see Madge kept that shot of Abbie Cornish emerging from the sea of umbrellas (very “Rain”) and those moments of Wallis Simpson courting paparazzi (very “Take a Bow”). In fact, I prefer to think of W.E. as a conceptual Madonna music video without a song or Madonna in it. Let’s face it, the only way this movie can be any good is if Wallis Simpson finds ultimate salvation in the arms of either a Venetian lion man or a black Christ. James D’Arcy, let’s fit you for a mane.
Verdict: Desperately Sleeking Simpson
[via Moviefone]
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The jury’s still out as far as I’m concerned on whether or not director Gary Ross (Seabiscuit) was the right director to helm Suzanne Collins’s The Hunger Games, even with the mostly-satisfying first trailer debut earlier this week. Lionsgate, however, seems more confident in Ross, as they want him to return to helm the second Hunger Games installment, 2013’s Catching Fire, with writer Simon Beaufoy (Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours) reportedly in the running to script.
From Deadline:
I’m told that Gary Ross, who directed The Hunger Games, is coming back for the sequel. He originally intended to write the outline for the second film and script it with author Suzanne Collins (they teamed to do a lot of writing on the first film), but the post production schedule on The Hunger Games has made that difficult.
The highly anticipated trailer debut on Monday revealed a solid visual sense for the world inhabited by teenage heroine Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence), a working class girl in a future dystopia who winds up competing in a televised death match against 23 other youngsters. The trailer teased the events leading up to said Hunger Games and showed fans of Collins’ novel glimpses of the characters they know well, including Katniss, Peeta (Josh Hutcherson), Gale (Liam Hemsworth), and Cinna (Lenny Kravitz).
What remains to be seen is if Ross and Co. capture the internal drama within Katniss as she begins to navigate the worlds of politics, love, and responsibility while trying to stay alive, not to mention how well Ross is able to evoke a sense of real danger and brutal violence in his tween and teen-oriented adventure. A…
Full Story »Here’s your chance. Do your dance. In this mashup of Space Jam and the Immortals trailer. Hey, Henry Cavill! Come on and slam! And welcome to the jam!
It looks like Michael Jordan gives a really strong performance as Theseus! Seal the gates, call in Wayne Knight, and prepare for war. (Yes, this means Shawn Bradley is an immortal now.)
Immortals Trailer Re Cut [YouTube]
Full Story »If you thought you had seen the last Muppets parody trailer, think again. With less than a month until Kermit and Miss Piggy storm the theaters for their movie comeback, The Muppets Studio has a released another promo in which the fuzzy gang pokes fun at Paranormal Activity 3, Puss In Boots, Breaking Dawn and themselves.
Okay, so maybe Breaking Prawn isn’t as inspired as the Muppets’ Girl with the Dragon Tattoo send-up. But let’s give Fozzie, Gonzo and Pepe the King Prawn some credit for their last ditch-effort at pop culture relevance.
If you haven’t yet marked your calendars, November 23 is the release date for The Muppets, which will feature everyone from Anne Hathaway to Rizzo the Rat.
[via Muppets Studio]
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