Grab your prayer cloth, tell your local priest that you’ll be sleeping in his confessional booth tonight and click over to TMZ to see seventeen-something Courtney Stodden and her 51-year-old creepy husband Doug Hutchison pose in a photo shoot that will make you laugh to keep from crying as your skin crawls off of your body to throw itself in the garbage disposal.
In a completely staged photo shoot that looks like stills from a Tales of the Crypt episode inspired by Heidi and Spencer, Doug’s teenage porn iguana bride shows off her trompe-l’oeil abs, exquisite arm bracelet, the spray tan that looks like it was applied with a Nerf gun and her pushed-up illegal titty balls that are being suffocated by a bikini top that is more padded than the room Courtney’s mother should be thrown in. I also cannot ignore the fact that Beverly McClellan from The Voice needs to throw a copyright infringement lawsuit at Doug since it’s obvious that he’s stolen her entire image.
These pictures are so going to end up in an FBI’s file in a couple of years when all of this does not end well. On a positive note, Courtney’s magical ability to float along the sand in platform heels has earned her a coveted spot in Shauna Sand’s royal court.
And since we’ve already fucked ourselves up by looking at this mess, let’s fuck ourselves up all the way by listening to one of Courtney’s “songs:”
I shouldn’t joke, because this will probably become our new national anthem. It is the reason why the bald eagle cries.
The Jan Brady to Kate Middleton’s Marcia went to the Temperley show in London yesterday and was seated in the front row right next to Rosario Dawson and the fermented Peach that not even a drunk moose would nibble on right before she was being shipped off to rehab. The Happening of Pippa Middleton has died down lately, but some photographers are still crawling up her skirt like the love potion concocted by Anne Bancroft that only attracts ginger princes lives up there. However, Pippa is a fine lady of the court who knows that if her tulip-in-waiting is captured in picture form, The Queen will revoke her front row fashion show privileges and banish her to the shed out back to scrub potatoes with Fergie.
Even though Pippa keeps her stems firmly shut, the photographer still managed to get up her skirt. Now, the only time I see vaginas is when I watch a Bang Bus porn and I usually fast forward through those parts to get the romantic stuff like when the dude repeatedly slaps his penis on the chick’s tongue. (Why does he do that? Is he looking to make sure she doesn’t have tonsillitis? He’s not a doctor. His dick isn’t is a tongue depressor. Don’t do that more than once.) But even though I’m not exactly familiar with
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Tom Hardy made fap-tasies interesting for gays and admirers of man-on-man fuck action when last year he said that in his 20s he slapped his peen on man asses, lady asses and any other kind of asses that twerked for him. But then Tom quickly took it back and said his words were twisted around to make it sound like his peen lips have touched more prostates than vaginas. And now in an interview with Marie Claire UK (via Radar Online), Tom wanted to clarify that shit more and said his dick sucking lips have never wrapped around a dick and he’s never experienced that awkward feeling of quickly pulling his peen out of a clenched man ass after busting an O. Tom put it like this:
“It’s just a shame things are misconstrued and I don’t get the opportunity to explain. I have never put my penis in a man. I’ve never had a cock in my arse, and I have no fucking desire for it. If that’s what you like, cool. But it doesn’t do it for me.”
So what Tom Hardy is really saying is that he’s a member of The Mouth is a Mouth Club and will stick his dick in any glory hole without asking any questions. Good for you, bitch. But sorry, Tom, I can’t respect you as an actor and artist until you get into full blown anal complete with poop noodle. But I still want to climb up to your bald head, paint a urethra on top of it and then flick at it. Seriously, that head needs some trompe l’oeil dick lips.
Giving riders a reason to wipe their seats down with a mixture of Hazmat-brand anti-bacterial gel and crushed Valtrex pills, Parasite Hilton proudly flashed her trompe l’oeil cleavage and mounted a bike like it was a 9-inch dick to pose for photographers in Madrid, Spain at the unveiling of her very own MotoGP Team called SuperMartxe VIP by Paris Hilton. Gross. Never mind that Wonky’s bike looks like it was modeled after a confederate flag as seen through the eyes of Barbie, who thought giving her a motorcycle team was a good idea?
What does this skank know about motorcycles? Shit, what does she know about racing IN GENERAL? Just because the odometer on her pussy has been reset a dozen times and a pit crew has to come in mid-fuck to grease and rotate her parts doesn’t mean she’s an expert at racing. Just…no.
