Just like when Brit Brit mowed her swamp weave and when Felicity took a machete to her curly hair mane, the children are losing their shit (put a diaper on ‘em) over 11-year-old Willow Smith snipping her hair whip off and I’m sure you’ve already seen this highly important world news on CNN Jr.
The newest Smith Family ATM Machine posted a Tweeted of pictures of her buzzed cue ball and my first thought was: Stop making fucking fart faces or it will stay like that forever and then Will & Jada will have a really hard time making more money off of you. My second thought was: Oh, so that’s what a real life Oscar from Shark Tale looks like. No, really, shaving her head totally brings out the Will Smith in her face.
When you walk through the aisles of a Petco, you see a leopard print fluffy dog bed, but Willow Smith sees a neck shrug (or whatever that is around her neck). When you stroll through Monstropolis, you see some blue monster’s tail, but Willow Smith sees a scarf vest. When you see the pair of Land’s End foot warmers your auntie gave you for Christmas, you throw that shit in the trash, but Willow Smith dives in after them because she’s going to turn them into FASHION! That is why two paparazzos are taking her picture and not yours. (Correction: They’re actually taking her picture because she fell out of a famous vagina a few years ago.)
Here’s more of Willow looking like a citizen of a post-apolycptic Sesame Street while leaving some building in NYC today without parental supervision. Call CPS!
This is a year old, but it was either post this or that terrifying mini Dolly Parton (more like Dolly Pardonyourselfandhaveaseatplease) impersonator with stuffed chichis from Toddlers & Tiaras last night. But it’s ALWAYS too early for the latter so I went with Lil Savion instead. Lil Savion is like a collaboration between Willow Smith and Rudy Huxtable and I love her for three reasons:
1) She reminds of Little Chrissy from Pecker after she’s put on Ritalin.
2) Lil Savion is permanently looking you down with her left eye.
3) The Gucci backpack and Z formation has just pushed all of us back into the mid-90s.
I really hope this was made during school hours, because this is the kind of learning our children need in their lives. Where was Lil Savion when I was a kid to teach me the correct way to throw “NOT TODAY” shade at the gym teacher?
And yes, I’m sure this video will be used to argue that we need to bring back ass whoopins to our schools.
Hide yo kids, hide yo wives, hide yo weed, hide yo blunts! The sweetest seahorse of Alabama was put into handcuffs early this morning by cops who should be using their time to track down bed snatchers instead. TMZ reports that one of the original viral superstar sensations Antoine Dodson was pulled over in Alabama by the Huntsville PD who searched him and found marijuana. ‘Toine was charged with speeding, failing to have insurance and misdemeanor marijuana possession. ‘Toine was released a second later and he’s already out there snatching smoke out of a bong with his mouth, because he could use a hit or two.
Damn. Damn. Damn. Let this be a lesson to all of us. When you go out into the world with an illegal drop of the good shit on your person, make sure whatever is on top of your head is looking mug shot ready fresh. Learn from Antoine’s mistakes, you don’t want to look like a Goofy-ized version of Willow Smith. Antoine doesn’t have a thick layer of SAD across his face because he got arrested for some “you are really dumb fo’ real” shit. He’s weepy, because that sad wave on his head is playing a warped and busted version of “Whip My Hair.” The Hunstville PD needs to do right by ‘Toine and let him come back for “Do-Over Mug Shot Day.“
Willow Smith doesn’t know MATHS since she’s too busy whippin’ her weave to the top of the pop throne, and apparently she doesn’t know what rules are either. Jada Pinkett Smith tells Style Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) that she and Will don’t believe in telling their chirruns what to do and they work together to guide Willow and Jaden through life. And now Xenu’s barley-laced dream of taking over the world with an army of spoiled Suri Cruises is one step closer to becoming a reality.
Jada explains, “We don’t have rules. We come up with agreements. Kids are little people, and we’re in life to guide them. Trying to rule someone is always an illusion, and it’s no different with children.”
SANTO DIOS! My abuelita just did a slow wall slide while clutching her “weekday” plastic rosary. That is crazy talk to her. In my abuelita’s house, there was one agreement: Do whatever the hell she says or don’t cry when you’re spitting up the bottom of her chankla for months.
But Jada says that even though they don’t have rules, Willow is not stomping all over her in high-heels she borrowed from Suri’s shoe closet. Jada talked about the time Willow went against her wishes by setting up a MySpace page, “I told her not to, so I was so mad. I said, ‘What do
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10-year-old superstar sensation Willow Smith is too busy whipping her hair that she doesn’t have time to whip out stupid school books to study. Willow tells The Telegraph (via CBS) that there’s no time for school shit when she’s trying to focus all her energy on snatching RiRi’s wig off in a bid to become the next big thing. Yeah, 2010 isn’t over yet, but it’s safe to say that the powers-that-be can start engraving Will and Jada’s names on the PARENTS OF THE YEAR trophy. Title won!
This is what Willow had to say:
“I never really get to go to school because I am always on tour or with my father. There is a tutor most of the time, but usually I am working so I never get to do the lessons. The worst thing about maths is all the kids are ahead of me because they go to school.”
Willow isn’t missing anything. MATHS is for suckers! Who needs to know the answer to 2 + 2 (Don’t tell me! I’m thisclose to solving it for myself!)? That’s what Willow’s assistants are for! Who cares if Willow can’t sound out the words on her contract that read: “Your forever future earnings go into your parents’ checking accounts. FOREVER!” Willow is a BIG STAR! Besides, if her career should fail for whatever reason she can just blame it on the maths.
