Jon Hamm has taken a seat next to Daniel Craig on the anti-Kuntrashians side of the field by saying that he wet heaves up pieces of his stomach every time he thinks about how trash cans in Louboutins like Kim Kardashian get paid millions of dollars for acting the fool. Yes, it’s true that Don Draper would totally suck a scotch-soaked ice cube out of Kim’s ass, but Jon Hamm has no love for Pimp Mama Kris’ whore zoo animal show. Jon put it like this to Elle UK (via Daily Mail):
“Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly.”
I resent that comment out of Hamm’s hole. I’m a fucking idiot and I don’t have no major reward to show for it (case in point: I lost the Bloggie!). But seriously, the only thing better than Jon Hamm trash talking Kim Kardashian is Jon Hamm trash talking Kim Kardashian while doing ten naked jumping jacks in a row. Actually, Mad Men would probably beat the Kuntrashians in the ratings if it was a full hour of Jon Hamm trash talking Kim Kardashian while doing naked jumping jacks.
Remember when I said 7 seconds ago that I care about the well-being of your ears? I said a lie. Because if I had any respect or love for your sense of hearing, I wouldn’t expose it to this eardrum-burning, dead baby hooker shit from Manufactured Superstars featuring stumbling bag of queefs Wonky McValtrex.
In that monotone, soulless, slut toddler voice of hers, Parasite educates us about the new phenomenon (for 1999) called drunk texting. Just like her “career,” sex tape and insides, this mess has a pulse rate of zero. This is like Meeting In The Ladies Room if Meeting In The Ladies Room got the life beat out of it with a flip phone and was left for dead in the alleyway behind a has-been club. To quote the poetic Klymaxx: “I had to leave my condo to come to this?!” If I tried to drunk text this song to anyone, my iPhone would auto-correct it to read: STOP!
I know you hate me, because after listening to that virus of a song, you now have deflated anal warts inside of your ear holes. Maybe this dose of musical antibiotics from a real star will stop the stinging a bit.
UPDATE: Wonky’s black hole ate the EwTube above, but if you really hate yourself you can click here to listen to it.
via Idolator
Putting the whore in Whore-O-Ween, Wonky McValtrex showed up to some stupid party in L.A. last night dressed in costume as one of my childhood heroes, She-Ra. Seeing this useless piece of dried pussy vomit as the most beautiful and strongest goddess in Eternia should make me punch out my eye until it’s as wonky as hers, but it doesn’t. That cheap ass costume looks like it cost about $2.99, which is $2.98 more than that gutter-snatched dildo is worth, and so most hos probably didn’t even see She-Ra in this at all. Bitch looks more like Alice the Goon working as a cocktail waitress at a Caesars Palace knock-off casino on the outskirts of Reno where the drinks are cheap and so are the handjobs behind the broken slot machine in the back.
The fact that Wonky thinks she can pull off She-Ra is as funny as the fact that her purse probably cost $2,000 and looks like it was a budget special at Claire’s. Everything that cheap whore touches turns to cheap. Breaking news.
The Kardashian Klan has long replaced Parasite Hilton as the most popular vapid pieces of trash on the ho stroll, so the dumb scab should’ve expected ABC’s Dan Harris to ask her if she’s ever worried that the spotlight she’s been humping on for more than 10 years has finally turned off. Dan Harris asked the star of T.W.A.T. Pee (The World According to Paris) that question during an interview for Good Morning America and it made Wonky jump up faster than one of her crotch crabs when she queefs. Wonky did what she always does when things don’t go her way: she whined to her publicist about the mean old man asking the mean old questions.
Dan’s questions weren’t even that mean and these are things that people are saying about her. The Tijuana PennySaver shouldn’t even be interviewing her ass, so bitch should be grateful that anybody is putting a mic under her mouth. The thing is, Wonks obviously doesn’t like the questions Dan threw at her, but instead of telling him to chew on her pussy (like any normal ADULT would) she throws a tantrum. Ho is 30 and it’s time to drop the Angelica from Rugrats act.
Wonks went on with the interview and recited some words her publicist told her to say while making a fake smile a jack in the box makes right before you punch it in the head. Then Wonky showed Dan the custom-built doggy death chamber in her backyard. It has chandeliers! It
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If your “Paris Hilton is an Arrogant Asshole” tank needs refueling, then line it with a filter made of Valtrex pills and open up because this shit will fill you up and then some.
So, the first episode of Parasite Hilton’s Oxygen reality show The World According To Paris (T.W.A.T. Pee) was watched by less people than she’s given hand jobs to in the VIP section of Tao. Specifically, around 400,000 pairs of eyes watched a useless skank show us not-so-new ways on how she’s useless. On a positive note, the new saying is “…suck harder than Paris Hilton’s ratings” instead of “…suck harder than Paris Hilton on any given day.”
Wonky, of course, is not taking any responsibility for the fact that her show tanked. Kathy Hilton plugged that mess harder than (you know what I’m going to write so just insert it here) on The View the other day and she also said that not a lot of people knew when she show came on. Well, Wonky is using that excuse for why her show is sucking the air out of Oxygen. A source tells Popeater:
“Paris is furious that the show didn’t premiere at the time it was supposed to. “She worked her tail off doing promotion and publicity for the show and then because of a technical mistake, the show aired at a completely different time in a lot of markets.
This
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Here are the 9 reasons for why Parasite Hilton’s pet pony Lady CoCo Chanel is the saddest pony in the entire world.
1. She was ripped from her mother’s nipple and sold into pony slavery.
2. Her owner is a vapid piece of skank shit that only cares about her as long as she’s young, white pretty and doesn’t smell gross (aka about 3 minutes).
3: Her name is Lady CoCo Chanel.
4. Wonky has decorated her mane with cheap rhinestone bows from Icing.
5. She has been forced to “entertain” a bunch of asshole warts including Wonky’s boyfriend, Kathy Hilton, Rick Hilton, Nicky Hilton, Kim Richards and Kyle Richards at the stupid premiere party for Parasite’s stupid reality show.
6. Thanks to Wonky force motorboating her, she now has HPV and has to have “the talk” with any prospective partners.
7. If she bites Wonky, she’ll be sent to the Paris Hilton lube factory, which is way worse than the glue factory.
8. She is a fucking pony and she’s imprisoned in an indoor fucking playpen!
9. Her name is Lady CoCo Chanel.
Will PETA please take a moment from photographing naked celebrities and use their powers to FREE SAD PONY!
And here’s Wonky McValtrex smiling with her eyes in her mug shot taken last night after she was busted with a (hold your tongue when you say this out loud) purse filled with a bag of the bad shit. Actually, she’s not really smiling with her eyes since the wonk is in full effect in her left one. Bitch is more like smirkin’ with her eyes. And don’t you hate on her Toucan Sam nose! Wonks has a nose just made for scoopin’ and snortin’ up coke in one swoop. LiLo wishes!
Here’s Wonks past mug shots for comparison:
You know her Wonks’ assistant is already framing her latest mug shot to display with the others along the staircase.
UPDATE: Here’s the mug shot of Wonky’s boyfriend Cy Waits who was booked for DUI. Didn’t anybody in that room have blotting papers or powder (not the white kind), because both of these bitches look sweatier than Tommy Girl’s ass crack while watching Becks in the locker room.
You might want to stretch the smile muscles in your mouth you never use and clear the day to practice your “Dancing On Wonky’s Fake Tears” dance from 2007, because there is a slight chance we’ll get Wonky McValtrex Goes To Jail 2: Nevada Don’t Play. Probably not, but you should cross your everything in hopes that shit happens.
Since Lindsay Lohan is currently the reigning queen of mess on the stroll, Wonky is desperately trying to get her corner back. CNN has poured a giant sprinkling of HAHAHAHAHAHA into my cup of coffee by reporting that Wonks and her boyfriend Cy Waits were both thrown into handcuffs in Las Vegas last night after they were caught with a bag of the powdery white shit. Las Vegas Police pulled over the Escalade Wonky was riding in, because they noticed a cloud of smoke coming out of the windows that smelled like one of Snoop Dogg’s afternoon farts (hint: the smoke smelled like weed). Maybe Wonky’s crotch critters were trying to send a smoke signal for help?
Wonks and Cy were both taken down to jail on suspicion of cocaine possession. The police tested Wonky’s white powder by calling up Lindsay Lohan and putting a spoon full up to the receiver. LiLo’s expert nose confirmed that it was cocaine.
Wonks was released without bail, because they don’t believe she’s a flight risk. TMZ reports that Wonks has already hired a Las Vegas lawyer. TMZ says that since Wonks was released immediately, the amount of coke she was caught with was probably a teeny tiny amount. Wonks also might try to argue that the bad
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