Yesterday, the first trailer for Tom Cruise’s upcoming science fiction film Oblivion was released online, and if you’re anything like us (and the rest of the internet), you’ll immediately note that it has absolutely nothing whatsoever in common with Wall-E. No sir, nothing at all.
Oblivion follows Cruise’s Jack Harper (his second Jack-namedm character in a row? Uh oh, typecasting), a maintenance man assigned to clean up planet earth in the aftermath of some kind of terrible apocalyptic event. Jack apparently spends his days wallowing through the nostalgic remains of human civilization. No doubt he’ll end up singing ‘Hello Dolly’ right after the little speech about the Super Bowl he gives in the trailer. His mission is less than a fortnight away from completion when a beautiful – and yes, the official description uses the word “attractive” – stranger crash lands on Earth, drawing Jack into a conspiracy that pits him against the authority he serves, and a group of Leather fetishists led by noted kindness-and-gravitas dispenser Morgan Freeman.
Oblivion is helmed by Tron Legacy director Joseph Kosinski, which is about as neutral an indication of the movie’s overall quality as you can get. I’m guessing it’ll be yet another Logan’s Run ripoff, with the same kind of ridiculous ‘everything’s better and the revolution worked in like 5 minutes’ outcome, minus Michael York’s lithe frame and blond locks. Originally planned for June, 2013, it’s been moved up to April 12, 2013. Until then, Internet: please get to work on the recut Oblivion-as-Wall-E trailer the world desperately needs.
The world was in danger of never hearing Elmo’s high-pitched laugh again (which really wasn’t a bad thing) when his puppeteer Kevin Clash was accused of pulling a Rob Lowe by getting it on with a 16-year-old boy eight years ago. Right before Sesame Street was about to make its debut on the National Sex Offender Registry, Kevin’s accuser took it all back and said that he was legal when he humped on Elmo’s voice. That was that until The Smoking Gun named names and showed faces.
TSG says that the dude who tried to smear Elmo’s good name is 24-year-old wannabe model/actor type Sheldon Stephens of Pennsylvania. The holidays at the Stephens house is going to be real fun this year, because one of Sheldon’s family members gave his ass up to TSG. The family member said that they don’t know how Sheldon met Kevin, but he lived in NYC for a little bit and has always attracted “high-powered men.” High-powered men?! Bitch, Kevin Clash is the voice of Elmo and he might have the power to tell you that today’s episode is brought to you by the letter A, but that’s about it. Bitch is acting like Sheldon got it on with the Director of the CIA or something.
Yesterday, TMZ hinted that Kevin’s lawyer and Sheldon’s lawyer
…
Full Story »
PHG: “Smell my finger.”
Tiny boy: “I know where it’s been and no thank you.”
When 6-year-old Alex Logan (above with PHG) met Prince Hot Ginge at the WellChild Awards in London yesterday afternoon, he wondered what we’d all wonder if we ever met his ginger hotness outside of a Las Vegas hotel suite: Why isn’t he so drunk that he’s sweating out vodka drops? Why aren’t there paid whores doing lines of coke around him? Why are his spicy peanut nipples covered?
Before meeting PHG, little Alex Logan told ITV News that he was going to speak for NONE OF US by saying: “I’m glad you’ve got your clothes on Prince Harry.” But since Alex has a little Dennis the Menace thing going on, PHG knew he was going to get hit with some mischief and before the boy let out that joke, he said this: “You keep looking up at your mum. It looks like you’re dying to say something but you’re worried she’ll tell you off. I heard you were on ITV earlier and you said something cheeky – but let’s not talk about that here.”
That was a cold move, ruining a sick child’s joke like that! I think that’s almost worse than PHG covering up his Flaming Hot Cheeto Puff while
…
Full Story »Yesterday at a $35,800-per-ticket fundraiser at the Westport, Connecticut home of Harvey Weinstein, President Obama big upped fellow dinner guest/event co-host Anne Hathaway while pretty much nailing his critique of The Dark Knight Rises: “She’s spectacular,” POTUS enthused. “I got a chance to see Batman, and she was the best thing in it. That’s just my personal opinion.” Ours too, Mr. President. Ours, too.
According to a pool report, President Obama also praised Aaron Sorkin (“[he] writes the way every Democrat in Washington wished they spoke”) while Weinstein paid him his own Hollywood-themed compliment, calling Obama “the Paul Newman of American presidents.”
The President was expected to raise $2.5 million between the Weinstein-hosted event and an appearance in Stamford, CT earlier in the day. No word on what he thought of all those pesky plot holes.
[Deadline]
While most of the Internet focused all their attention on Katie Holmes’ real-life remake of Prison Break yesterday, NBC quietly released a statement confirming the DUH of all DUHs. No, they didn’t confirm that when you squeeze Matt Lauer too hard, a fountain of Summer’s Eve will shoot out of his mouth. They confirmed that Savannah Guthrie’s got Ann Curry’s old job now, so get used to it. They made it clear on yesterday’s show that Savannah is the new co-host, but they didn’t officially announce it on air. It’s kind of like when my mom and dad split, and my dad made me hang out with him and his new girlfriend without telling me exactly who she was. It was obvious, though. So yesterday, I looked at Savannah through the screen the same way I looked at my dad’s new piece. With eyes that said, “I know why you’re here and I don’t like it, bitch.”
Here’s the BLAH BLAH BLAHs the president of NBC News released to The Washington Post and everybody else yesterday:
“As soon as Savannah joined NBC News she was a standout, reporting for every franchise in the news division and rising through the ranks. She has a one-of-a-kind combination of sharp wit and approachability, and our viewers value her journalistic skills and legal background just as much
…
Full Story »
Since Frances Bean’s iPhone has a Crazy Ass Bitch Blocker App and redirects all calls from Courtney Love to the nearest lunatic asylum, Courtney has to use Twitter to throw a sowwy at her own “biological” (copyright: Frances Bean Cobain) daughter. Courtney started this mess last week when she brain queefed up the gross rumor that Dave Grohl took his obsession with Kurt Cobain to SUCIO levels by screwing on Frances Bean. Frances Bean calmly responded by saying that somebody really needs to strap straitjacket gloves on Courtney’s hands and keep her away from Twitter. Well, Frances’ calm smack down must have temporarily knocked the crazy out of Courtney, because she went on her other Twitter account yesterday to apologize:
Bean, sorry I believed the gossip.. Mommy loves you
— Courtney Love Cobain (@Courtney) April 14, 2012
Mark yesterday as the first day in modern history that the bat litter box called Courtney’s head actually had a moment of clarity. I’d like to think that this will teach Courtney to never believe one of the voices in her head after she snorts a crushed homemade Adderall pill she made using a Lohan family recipe, but it won’t. Stay tuned for more fuckery from this crazy bitch.
via People
In addition to announcing their Tribeca closing night bow, Marvel recently unveiled the full track listing for their upcoming Avengers companion album, comprised of “music from and inspired by” the May 4 superhero flick. Among the hot bands of today yesterday contributing future hits to the soundtrack? Soundgarden! Papa Roach! Bush! And the kicker: Evanescence. Now, I know these major recording artists have been around since their respective heydays in the ’90s and ’00s, but really, Avengers? I haven’t had this kind of knee-jerk reaction to a movie soundtrack since I revisited the abomination that was the soundtrack to 1998’s Godzilla.
Well, who am I kidding. I was guilty of buying that awful Godzilla album back in my misguided youth. (From BMG! It was too easy! FORGIVE ME!) Even then I knew it was terrible, and that was in the actual ’90s. I’d love to hear Joss Whedon’s explanation for the assemblage of rock bands and millennial metal outfits gathered here. (A standalone score will also be released with Alan Silvestri’s music from the film.)
Is there a throwback sentiment at work in this selection, a parallel musical commentary on pop culture’s constant re-imagining and resuscitation of things from the past, bands we loved when we were kids? Is it simply that the ’90s are the new ’80s, or that Whedon listened to a lot of Canadian rock while making Iron Man and the Hulk and Thor and Captain America and Black Widow — oh, and you too, Hawkeye — tangle with evil spaceships?
(Fourth theory: Whedon is paying homage to the difficulties of keeping a band/team of superheroes together by bringing reunited/re-jiggered line-ups like Bush and Soundgarden onboard in a…
Full Story »Hint: Not a lot. “Rourke was leaving the gym in L.A. yesterday when he joked about using the movie as a torture device … ‘I’m gonna tie you to a chair and make you watch Moneyball all fucking night.’” [TMZ]
Full Story »
Before you read Pusuke his rights for having caca logs leaking out of his eyes, you should know he was 26 when was this picture was taken. You’re going to have turd worms wiggling out of your eyes too when you’re 26 in dogs years! Now on to the sad news, Pusuke, who used to be the oldest dog in the world, is humping chew toys in up in heaven after he died at his home in Sakura, Japan yesterday. Pusuke was 26 and was just three months away from shattering the record some more by turning 27. Some old beagle from the US made it all the way to 28 before dying in 2003.
Pusuke’s owner says that he was pretty healthy until he started having breathing problems yesterday morning. Pusuke’s owner went for a stroll and when she came back he was in a bad way and died shortly after. Pusuke told her local newspaper, “I think [Pusuke] waited for me to come home.”
I’m not sure why she decided to go for a leisurely stroll while Pusuke was trying to push out a breath. I’m just going to assume she was out picking wild flowers to stick in Pusuke’s hair so he could look pretty for the angels.
Rest in peace, Pusuke. Today, I will put some fucked up holiday bows in my dog’s hair in your honor.
via HuffPo (Thanks Dorothy and everybody else who sent this in)
Welcome to fairy tale trailer week! Yesterday, Movieline previewed Mirror, Mirror, Tarsem Singh’s hammy Snow White adaptation which features Julia Roberts as a ineffectively evil queen who worries about age lines and financial security (just like you!). Today, Pixar has unveiled a full-length trailer for the company’s first foray into fairy tale territory, the much more promising Brave.
Unlike yesterday’s Mirror, Mirror, which drove some inventive commenters to customize a drinking game just to get through the two minute preview, Brave seems like it will be an inspiring, heartwarming and fairly original story told via Pixar’s gorgeous 3-D computer animation. The story centers on Merida (voiced by Kelly Macdonald), a Scottish princess and brave archer who upends tradition in her kingdom, only to unleash chaos and fury to those around her. To undo these consequences, Merida must learn the meaning of true bravery.
Julie Walters, Billy Connolly, Emma Thompson, Kevin McKidd and Craig Ferguson also provide voices in the Mark Andrews-directed picture, set to premiere June 22.
[Apple]
Full Story »
